l Can I just stay curled in the fetal position the rest of my life? l

| October 21, 2004 || 10:20 p.m. |

I am not quite sure what to type. I had a great dinner with my Dad & his wife - a beautiful 4/5 star restaurant on the water in Tacoma, tr�s sheik. I was surprised to hear that afterwards my Dad was on the look out for any dive bar on the way home for me to sing karaoke. That meant a lot. We found a place that turned out to be a pretty cool dive, albeit very smokey & red neck. But then again looking at what town we are in it's not a huge surprise. They managed to sit through one song from me & tried hard to wait for another but after a little more then an hour of the worst of the worst karaoke patrons I had to take them home & come back solo.

I only got to sing two more songs before the night was through but I was absolutely worshipped there. I am not trying to make myself feel all pumped really I am not. They loved me! Not that I was being fawned over which I wasn't. In fact when not singing I sat alone and only a few people actually talked to me other then to say "That was so amazing... you're such a great singer... next american idol..." It felt nice but nothing like my cheers. I had one red neck in a black wife beater telling me that his 'producer' had heard me sing Proud Mary via his cell phone and wanted to sign me, but I had to go to Everett or Eastern Washington to do recording. I tried my best to be polite & letting him down easily but it was all but easy. He seemed upset that I would just let 'it all go to waste' that easily. Hmmph yeah I did.

My Dad is so cute, he called me around 130A to make sure I was alive and on my way home. He was so worried about me driving and especially if I was going to be drinking there. I got a free blowjob shot and had like two beers but I really wasn't there to drink nor was I extremely comfortable drinking there so much. I just needed to sing and get that release ya know?

My day was far from active again today. I made a trip to the local Wal-Mart but all I really needed was moisturizer so I just wondered the aisles like an IDOT and nearly had a breakdown. How stupid would I have looked having a crying jag in fucking Wal-Mart!?! There are just too many little things that we've laughed at or shit that just remind me of us - I shouldn't be allowed to even use my brain at all nowadays.

It looks as if I have a job awaiting me in California. My new roomie called today and said that her bosses' wife wants to meet me. I don't know what to do or thing right now. I guess once I talk to my mom tomorrow I'll know more about what is going on with me moving. As far as my Dad is concerned he'd like for me to stay here until a week from tomorrow [Friday] and head back around 5A that morning then he'd fly home probably around Monday but that is the 1st of November is it not? I think my mom's husband will be driving to California to work and help pack me up before that Friday even, I'm not sure exactly. Not to mention I have so much I need to do before moving. I mean I still have to pack up my entire room [again] & arrange to go over to S's to pick up all of my stuff [sigh]. I am not looking forward to that. I am as far as seeing him, I so desperately want that but not to pick up all of my things and have it be so final. I haven't talked to him about that at all but then again we haven't talked at all aside from the bday card & happy bday text message he sent... and little random simple text messages like tonight. But he hasn't called me once. I tried Tuesday on the premise of wanting to find out about my DMV status, all of which I ended up covering in my ecard thank you reply to his ecard bday thing [man that was just icing on the fucking dagger through my heart, it was so fucking sweet & made me cry at 10 after midnight on my damn bday].

I think it's still best I move to Texas, what do you say? Tomorrow is Dday, well da day I talk to my mummy. I hope to have more answers after that. Cross your fingers for me will ya? At least I will get to be there for my cousin's big baby shower which is Saturday. That one is for the family and close family friends - I think about 50 people... woo hoo. I'm going to bed before I get myself all depressed and crying again.

xoxxoxoxoxoxo, angel

Fucking Horoscopes~A sentimental journey is tempting, but not in your best interests. Stay focused on what is current about your relationship, and how the future looks. You're feeling weird about what's going on at home, but there's not a whole lot you can do about it. Just do your thing and don't get in anyone else's way. The problem will fix itself soon. Old memories invade your mind, making it nearly impossible for you to do the things you're supposed to be doing in the present. Take some time out of your day to deal with old issues. Talking to someone from your past might give you the closure you need to move on. Weigh all of the potential outcomes first, and then and only then make a heartfelt decision about whether or not you want to rehash the past. If you do decide to make this sentimental journey, try and leave all the emotional baggage that you have behind.