l Why does everything have to make sense? l

| Monday, Mar. 31, 2003 || 5:23 p.m. |

This is scary, I know it�s suppose to be funny or informative, but I don�t watch television or the news to avoid having to accept/acknowledge the reality of this fucking war. It�s bad enough my daily radiostation plays news coverage approximately every hour I just choose to be so involved in my work that I can�t listen at that moment.

Sometimes the difference is whether you see the glass half-full or half-empty. Today's outcome depends heavily on which side of the bed you get out of this morning. If you approach things with a positive attitude, they are more likely to have a pleasing outcome. As the Stars shift today, try not to let your speech contain too many harsh words. A beautiful gift can be ruined if wielded like a weapon. The right words at the right time could change everything for the better.

This past weekend proved to be an enormous test of my physical/mental self control/restraint. My family mini-trip went sour when I arrived in front of my uncle�s house @ 1:30 am Saturday morning after being on the road since 6pm. Fortunately for me at that time I had a friend in San Francisco that I hadn�t seen in a couple months. I arrived @ 3 am to an enormous beautiful Victorian home in the Haight to meet twenty phish-heads right after they had polished off a mound of coke. *notice I said �mound� as to not be thought as liquid measurements * I guess the party had just begun when I arrived already physically exhausted from the 9 hours in the car after an 8 1/2 hour work day. Everyone I met was incredibly interesting to speak with and in all honesty if I hadn�t known that they were cokeheads I would never have guessed. I don�t have much experience with drug addicts so I really only know the stereotypical tweeker-esque behavior and none of these individuals fit in that category. Aye so I didn�t get sleep until 1 in the afternoon, Saturday then drove all the way home that night. Thank you sugah for being with me the entire time! I really needed that.

I can�t even express how much is running through this little head of mine @ this very moment. I want to scream, cry, and run as far away into someone�s loving arms. In fact I did cry, I am teary eyed even as I stay @ work to finish this entry that has taken me all day.

I am spent; I am just an emotional wreck waiting for help to arrive on an angelic white steed.

I resisted temptation this weekend & I think I am weaker for it. My guard was rusted on something that I should never been around in the first place. I should have saved that guard for today.