l T.r.o.u.b.l.e is A.n.g.i.e. l

| November 06, 2012 || 12:10 p.m. |

For a month now I've had a new bartender where I host karaoke and after the first weekend we worked together we've grown quite close. It all started so innocently, as it always does but it wasn't long before I began wanting her, thinking about her on my long drive home. actually touching myself in the car ride home imagining what it would be like to touch her.

Maybe I asked for this? Maybe I started it? I got her number from the bar manager to ask her a couple questions about the new wednesday night dj. It was then that the dam burst and she started texting me before I got to work friday night, I playfully mentioned that she missed me but thought it was only the lack of bar patrons/business. I would secretly hope that the one or two patrons would leave, allowing us to be alone in the bar. My imagination would race endlessly envisioning what all that I would love to do to and with her. To hell with the cameras, to hell with everyone else. I just couldn't and can't keep her off of my mind and out of my desires.

I wasn't sure if she was gay but that was finally confirmed last week. I knew but didn't want to assume nor ask. If she doesn't know that I am into her she has got to be blind. I've discovered that my love language (at least one of them) is gifting. I find myself just wanting to spoil her, lavish her with presents and things. We went to get massages last night and then went to a friends house and hung out with her and her wife. All night long I wanted her. I wanted to be the one to rub warm oils all over her body and give it my own sensual spin.

I'm married!! Then as we sat in my car (she hadn't cleaned her house in two weeks so she wouldn't invite me in - safe call tho cause I don't trust myself) and she proceeded to tell me that the last two girlfriends she had, one was her former Bosses now ex-wife and the other her best friends now ex-girlfriend. Is she hinting at something? I called her a home wrecker and laughed lightly. I can definitely see why women are attracted to her. She's magnetic. She's intoxicating. She's fucking addicting!!

It has been a long time since I've been with a woman and I can't even begin to deny that since my sobriety sex just hasn't been the same. I haven't wanted my husband, I don't want him. I want kids yes but I don't get excited to be intimate with him anymore. I realized while doing my steps that I have a LOT of issues when it comes to sex but I am baffled.

I simply cannot get her out of my mind. I wet myself at just the thought of her. Frustration. We do make a great team at the bar tho.

I thought it was just absolutely adorable when I met her Dad when he came into the bar. He told me that she couldn't stop talking about me... I guess maybe she is in to me too? So far I've met her Dad, step-monster (her words), her brother and his wife... I don't know if she has other siblings but I think I met the whole family.

It's so wrong on so many levels. Living a life of honesty and integrity is what AA is all about and here I am creating this secret or hoping, wishing that this secret affair could start. I don't want to go back to drinking, that's not what I want but regrets and resentments are a killer for my kind.

*Le Sigh* I guess I can keep my sanity so long as I can keep her as just a friend.