l Yeah yeah what if... l

| Tuesday, Oct. 14, 2003 || 12:14 p.m. |

It was a pretty long night being alone. The silence was nice yet a little unnerving. I kept anticipating the PT to pull in @ any moment, the beep boop followed by footsteps towards the door & up the stairs.

I decided to not go to the gym & just enjoy the night alone. It�s been months since I�ve sat alone & just existed. Actually it�s been nearly 7 months. I loved living alone & having my own space but that has changed since I�ve been w/ Suisse. We�ve barely been away from each other since day 1. It�s tough to be alone again after being so used to not even if it is for only 2 days.

I played monopoly last night for a while & then switched to Clue � all online. I know I bitch about Suisse playing but I only do it when he is not home. That�s fair & okay. I just don�t like being ignored for a computer. He doesn�t really ignore me per say but I am an attention whore so I want his attention more on me than some geeks playing games online [I�m a geek too]. I understand that men need a distraction & that is his, but can�t it just be watching the news or hockey now that it�s the season? I at least can watch w/ him, if we had two computers than I could at least play w/ but we don�t.

I have so much on my plate today. I have been designated to buy the sympathy card for a co-workers recent tragedies [he gained a son & the same day his uncle died & dad had a stroke then one week later his grandma dies & two days later his dad], then I have to buy Suisse�s present that I procrastinated on yesterday, a physical therapy appoint for my accident @ 5:30, head to the gym or do laundry & then meet up w/ a good friend whom I haven�t seen since right before I moved to Wisconsin! I don�t know whether I should work out or do laundry cause I know I won�t have time to do it all. I will probably do the laundry cause tomorrow night we�re going to the first King�s home game for the season & then Thursday is my French Class, Friday Suisse�s mom arrives & then I leave @ the butt crack of dawn for Texas. I have to clean the house too & I need clean clothes. Sheesh I need more time! Or a little helper would be nice! Hehehe. I like being busy though it keeps me active.

Skittles, my good ole friend, wow. She�s a trip or @ least she used to be. She�s had a girlfriend for the past year from what she has told me & they live together a little further south then I. She still works @ the same place & I couldn�t believe it when she said she�s been there for 4 yrs cause that means I�ve known her for over 4 years. We used to hang out all the time while going to Saddleback & being active in the GSA [Gay Straight Alliance]. Geez, the parties we used to have�

[Commence singing �Memories� here]

Today feels like a much better day than yesterday. I was exhausted yesterday & while I am tired today [Suisse called me around 1 am to say good night] I can�t help but feel great. I am a busy & getting thing done that needs to be done.

I can�t believe that my birthday is in 6 days. It doesn�t feel like my birthday. I usually celebrate the entire month w/ drinking & partying but this year is different. I don�t drink as much as I used to [a good thing].

I may have some depression issues [more like grieving to do] but I am in a much better space this year than any year in the past. If my family were closer & Suisse�s too everything would be perfect but nothings supposed to be perfect & I can accept that!