l Merry Christmas to all & to all a good night! l

| Thursday, Dec. 25, 2003 || 10:22 p.m. |

I feel old. I feel old & strangely nauseous again. I woke up at my usual 8 o'clock [albeit it's 6 in Cali yet my body somehow knows I�m in central time]. The kids & family didn't come over until around noon. That is weird. We used to always be done w/ presents by noon & half way to drunk. Well not really drunk but starting in on the martinis [we do that rather than eggnog].

I absolutely love being an Auntie. My precious little nephew took a couple days to get used to me & then today he cooed & kisses my chin [little baby open mouthed kisses of course]. What made my heart burst even more was when my sister in law's mom was holding him, he started fussing & when he leaned backwards & saw his Auntie Angel he reached out & made those cute little "uuh uuuhh" noises. Between my current stages of weirdness [nausea & fatigue] I got tuckered out running & playing w/ both him & the 3-year-old Gemini niece of mine. She is a handful & that is even an understatement.

It was a great day spent w/ my family. I didn't open my presents quickly as I have in the past, I preferred to just sit there watching the kids & try not to tear up too much.

I need to be near them, I want to be there in the moment, down the road, in a nice peaceful home were I can be the Suzy home-maker that I am meant to be.

I received a lot of photos of my brothers family, my uncle & his girls & then extra frames to do w/ as I wish. Is it strange of me to all of a sudden desire to put my family's pictures on the wall? Is that another phase we enter once we reach the 'mid-twenties'? Am I nesting? Fuck I don't know but today was so emotional for me. I wanted to reach out & hug my older brother thanking him for the pictures so I can see them on my desk or even at home. I went to the bathroom a couple times to ensure no one saw my tears. I feel so much love some times I think it's a curse. Why must I feel so much? I'd rather feel a lot then nothing at all yet still it would be nice to be a notch down on that scale.

I also felt as if part of me was missing. It didn't seem complete to be there w/out Suisse. Even as I am sitting there watching the kids, talking w/ family, all I could do is think about him. I wanted so much to share this moment w/ him. My family means so much to me as does he so it only seems right that we all be together on such an occasion.

Nothing seems to feel right. I'm so torn as to what I should do. My heart & my head have never really agreed upon anything before which is one of my biggest dilemmas. Do I stay or do I go? My mom tells me that if he is worth it & if he truly cares for me as he says he does then if I were to move he'd follow. I have to be extremely careful taking mom's advice though as she doesn't take into consideration that Suisse is not Aussie. True they are both foreigners but not one & the same. I've gotten into trouble taking her advice verbatim before & I am not making that mistake twice. Okay three times. [chuckles]

I know I need to do what makes me happy yet there in lies the problem. I am happy w/ Suisse & I am happy w/ my family, yet it feels as if something is missing... meaning I am not completely happy because he is not here w/ me. Does that make sense?

I need him, I need him because I love him, not because I depend on him, not because I cannot be alone, and not because I just want him. I do want him, I can be alone & I don't depend on him for financial or emotional support or any other kind of support for that matter.

It's as simple as that, simply beautiful, simply love.