l Big revealed l

| February 22, 2004 || 10:33 p.m. |

So Big's real name is John. That is not what I expected but I guess he just had to have a common name.

I cried, but then again what's new? It was a wonderful episode & a definite must buy when it comes out this summer on DVD. I want to run off to Paris & have my Mr. Big come chasing after me. I can't even get a phone call.

I ran into an old pal last night at Cheers. I haven't seen him since well sometime after new years turning 2003. We exchanged numbers again & he actually called today to invite me to lunch or something but I said no thanks just feel like staying in bed. Which is all I have done all day. I've watched a lot of movies & even saw Billy Madison again, such a funny movie.

Man I haven't even showered today. I must smell pretty funky. I hate carving ice cream so much & not being able to get it! I don't eat much at all when I am upset but all I seem to want is this ice cream. Fucking Winter White Chocolate!

As much as I can't stand Britney Spears, her song Toxic explains exactily how I feel right now.

A friend of my just offered to loan me $$ to pay my rent & help me out until my next check. I feel like so bad having to accept it. I shouldn't be living like this at 24 yrs old. I need to do some soul searching & really get my shit together - figure out me; make myself happy - alone. able to be alone. it seems like I'm going to be that way for while. Might as well make the most of it.

The really sad part is this is all because of timing. I know that if the time was right & both parties were ready & not scared of love, that we would be forever. I see my future in his eyes, my childen, my life but right now it is just too much for him it seems. Love is just too scary to handle, things are just too soon - I turned out to be the rebound relationship rather than a rebound fuck. Which one of those would have been better? This would have been better. I've had the best year of my life being with him. It's just too bad it doesn't seem to be able to last. How can people do nothing but have fun together yet not work? Have the most incredible sex in the fucking world & not work? I don't know about him but he's been the best lover I've ever had. I've experienced so much more sexually & emotionally with him than I could ever have dreamt of. Maybe the feeling wasn't mutual, or isn't. Who the fuck knows. I sure as hell don't since someone won't communicate. I guess I don't or this [us] doesn't mean as much to him as it does to me. How can someone just not care or give up? I guess I'll never understand.