l Realization is so hard to achieve l

| February 29, 2004 || 5:24 p.m. |

I went out Friday night w/ the KJ & her incredibly lucky apt mgr J. She was just given a 6-karat Harry Winston diamond engagement ring & she let me try it on! Wow! Talk about a rush. It was a nice girls night out, a little emotional but thanks to free drinks, a great friend, and trying on a fat ass Harry Winston diamond; I had a great night!

Strummer went with me to Santa Barbara yesterday & we had a blast! Stopped by LA for a couple margaritas with AJ & then spent a great evening with Jen & Landon. Her belly has gotten even bigger in the past month it is so adorable! I could barely keep my hands off of her. I want to be a mother; I want to have a wife that is pregnant or something. It felt so nice to wrap my arms around her and hold that beautiful little belly feeling those little kicks. It is the most beautiful thing in the world to be a mother to be. Jen was radiating life & happiness. I cried watching her with Landon, I cried upon feeling the words she sang so magically, so powerfully. I know what she is thinking as she looks at him, seeing the life she has, will have, thinking how beautiful he is to her. I know all of those things as those are the same thoughts that run through my mind even as I sit here glancing to the pictures on my wall of my love.

Now I sit here today realizing that I have loved with more of my heart than ever before & even if that is gone I have lived my life the way it should have been; unafraid of loving myself & giving my all to another without fear of the �what if�s�. I opened myself up to something wondrous & now it�s my time to have that wondrousness returned to me. I know what I need to do & that is what I am doing.

I see a Nick & Jessica thing happening right now; Sometimes people must be apart for a while to realize they are meant to be together for the rest of their lives.