l What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go l

| July 08, 2004 || 9:22 a.m. |

I should really not post while intoxicated. I lose all of my coherent and rational thought processing ability that I so cling to in �sober� times. Perhaps I should just not drink all together. Thankfully my beautiful friend BG talked some sense into my sorry drunk ass on MSN last night. I haven�t been able to talk to her in a long time & I�ve missed that, it goes to my girl Thea as well. I was able to reconnect via MSN to both of my girls. My friends bring a sense of stability to me; even over seas or across the country they provide more comfort than most local friends have or do.

Maybe I should distance myself a little, try not to have to be with my Suisse everyday/night; But I want to! I want to live my life with him & start a life together � I am really together. I know he�s not ready for that & that disappoints me. My mom is always telling me that if I realize that I am not getting what I want out of a relationship to simple move on. I want a future, I want a family, and I want a life partner. I see potential to have all of that with him but does he with me? There are times when he says that he is selfish & I believe him. He�d rather buy himself PT stuff or French films [now that he has a universal DVD player] then buy me the beach cruiser we both have talked about that I should get since we first starting dating nearly 16 months ago. Actually he is the one that first said last summer that �we needed� to get me a bike. I don�t mean to sound materialistic; I truly am not that. I just think of how I am & how much I�ve given him & it just doesn�t add up. Men do �tally up points� differently then women do. Maybe I need to reread Men from Mars, Women from Venus again. I need a refresher course.

Ooh btw that is what I want. That is what I have to have if/when I get a beach cruiser. I need/want pink. He asked me last night why it had to be pink & I told him � "That is what I want. I haven�t owned a bike since I was 10 & it wasn�t something I got to pick out. If I�m going to get/buy anything it has to be what I want". Makes sense right? Why did he have to have the PT beach cruiser? Why did he have to have the PT cruiser period? Why cause that is what he wanted. He won�t settle for less than what he wants & neither will I. There aren�t many pink beach cruisers out there anymore � at least from what I�ve seen�online.

I was out of it last night at Cheers. I wasn�t feeling it so I think I am going to go somewhere else to sing for a bit. I don�t know where but I think Roman will help me with all that � he is the karaoke wanderer after all. He knows all the places. He is the nomad of the Karaoke world. Am I bad for wanting what I want? I deserve it all & I want it. I want a new job & to move as well but lord only knows when that might happen.

Today�s Scope~ What the heck are you waiting for? Don't prolong what should be a simple decision. The past is connected to the present, but conditions are never exactly the same. Lose yourself in a completely new experience.

Daily couples love~ You could end up feeling great or lousy at the end of the day. Take it as a sign -- if you go to bed happy, don't change a thing, but if you're grumpy then it's time for you two to talk.