l Ooh Kill joy l

| August 04, 2004 || 10:48 a.m. |

Yesterday was a typical workday; I left after 5 & headed home. I made a few phone calls, to Suisse & Trace but only left messages. I pulled up the long driveway, grabbed by stuff while heading for the door. I noticed a note from Nikki to her friend Ken, nothing really strange, illegible as her writing is but not out of her character. I found the door unlocked as well which still doesn�t surprise me as she often leaves it unlocked. What I discovered after I opened the door I could in no way have been prepared for.

I walked into a travel of blood drops leading from the door into the kitchen, on the carpet up the stairs, in the living room, all over the counters. I couldn�t see anyone in the house; I didn�t see any weapon that is when I saw Nikki outside sitting there with blood-soaked paper towels wrapped around her wrists. She came inside & I asked what happened. Ya see at first I only noticed one wrist bleeding as she was holding it with her other hand. I thought that maybe it was an accident & she just cut herself. But no she refused to tell me anything, crying, completely out of control & rambling, she ran upstairs to her room. Of course I followed. I didn�t bother to knock, I threw open her door & was taken aback when I saw the massive smear of blood on the wall then the trail leading into the bathroom. She was hysterical, crying, sobbing, and complaining about why she is so damn unhappy. I didn�t know what to do so I told her to keep her hands above her heart to slow down the blood flow. She wouldn�t listen so I actually yelled at her. She needs some serious help, she kept saying how she�d didn�t want to be 5150, which if 911 was called she knew they would. I told her that there is help available whether she could afford it or not. I told her that we were going to the hospital when she replied that her friend Ken was on his way over to do that. I demanded that she give me his number so I could make sure that was true. He showed up right as she had asked me to rebandage her with fresh paper towels & tape.

She flipped out as soon as she saw him, screaming �Get the fuck away from me, don�t fucking touch me! I�m not going anywhere with you�. So I grabbed the phone & dialed 911 � only the 2nd time I�ve ever had to dial that number in my entire life. The fire department, ambulance & two cop cars showed up w/in minutes, my neighbor whom I�ve never met until now came over & said he knows first aide. The wounds were too deep for normal first aide so he ran to the end of the driveway to direct the departments to the right house.

Right as I was being interviewed by the cops Suisse called me back. I excused myself, quickly gave him a description of what was going on & said I�d call him right back. He was very understanding & supportive last night. I lost it as soon as they took her away. I couldn�t stop crying even when I called Suisse back. He tried to make me laugh, he even told me that he made dinner so as soon as I was done fooling around to come over & eat ding ding. I waited until most of my crying was done & went right over. I needed him to hold me, he did. I needed him to try to comfort me, he did. I needed love, attention & affection; he did all of that & more. Just being with him made me feel better.

I had a lot of trouble sleeping, more like getting to sleep & then once I was I had horrible dreams but did not want to get out of bed to come to work. I still don�t feel right. She was restrained & the cops said she would be put under 5150. If they deem her fit after the 72-hour detainment evaluation then she will be back home. When I was crying I told Bill I can�t & won�t live like this, his response was that he was kicking her out. What an insensitive ass. That�s just what she needs to be kicked out to live in her car & make her feel even more alone and abandoned than she does all ready.

I�ve made my decision to move out. I�ll give him my 30-day notice next month & my best friend M & I are finding a house together around my new job area & hers. Her boyfriend of 6+ years will be living there too [I am responsible for introducing them & getting them together], which would make each one of our rents around $400 bucks. So much better then what I am over paying for now. This will definitely be the last time I move for quite some time. The only way I would move again is to be with my family either in Texas or Washington, maybe even move in with Suisse but I don�t think that will be happening anytime soon.

Today�s scope~ Don't make plans that you can't wiggle out of gracefully if need be. A certain someone has a surprise up their sleeve, and you're the lucky target. Now, don't spoil it -- pretend you didn't know. Your relationship is on solid footing; don't get your joint feathers ruffled out of sheer boredom. Daydream about all your sweetest shared moments. You may be about to start the next big thing. Now is a good time, but you may not have all the information you need to keep the program going. Something may be missing from what could be the perfect situation. There's nothing more frustrating than a puzzle that is almost solved. Wake up and shake off this fugue state. Reality is much more vital and compelling than some dream world. A little perspective does wonders.

Emotional confrontations During this time you turn your attention to your most personal relationships, in which you express yourself in a much more emotional manner than usual. This influence will affect a marriage, relationships with opponents, or any other inherently emotional confrontation. Loved ones and partners are much more important to you than usual, for they provide you with a feeling of security and support. And to be fair, you have the same interest in proving these elements for your loved ones. But if you are in a negative emotional state now, this influence will tend to make you excessively jealous and possessive, or you may act unconsciously or automatically with your loved ones. Confrontations with women, both positive and negative, are likely to be more intense that those with men.