l Made alive in one piece no less! l

| October 13, 2004 || 7:25 p.m. |

I went out to sing & drink Monday night w/ a guy friend & had a blast! I really, really needed that emotional release. I cried way too much that day & even a few times while we were at the karaoke spot [a gal just had to sing "I can't make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt"]. There was some screaming singing & shots of Patron all night but even when we left I felt great, not terribly drunk just nice. As my friend was driving me home we drove through a heavy down pour of rain, which if you live here in california you would know we haven't had a heavy rain in a long time. Once he dropped me off it hadn't yet rained at my place and despite the lateness I decided to watch a movie. I am really glad that I did cause the thunder & lightning really came on strong. The glass of my window even shook at one point, it was orgasmic! Then the rain came down, driving hard into the ground outside my open window. I am a big believer in fate & that everything is done for a specific cosmic reason. Well that night the crack of the thunder & bright bolts of lightning shattered what heartbreak & negativity I had held up in this heart of mine then the rain poured down to cleanse my soul, washing away to bring a new day. As one of my dear diaryland friends mentioned "new season, new reason".

Then I left around 1125A yesterday. I know I had written that I left earlier but I had to run some errands & do a few things before I left. But then it was all on the road. I tried to push for Portland by that night but I made sure that I didn't give up until I made it outside of California. I wanted to be sure someone had enough space. Just kidding. Honestly, I had a great drive & made it here by 2:30 today making it around 1120ish miles one way.

Now one thing that I put together is this. I believe all things happen for a reason. Now I know that he came into my life at a great time, one where I needed someone to get me through being without family here in California & I know that I in turn came into his life at a time when he in someway needed me too. We had a great time together, the reality of the matter is we had both just departed from horrible relationships in which we both were the hurt party and both 6 months before we became we. However, I think that god is making me realize that we both have a lot of things that we need to do on our own before we can have a real lifelong life together. Ya know? Neither one of us are really in the spot where we are ready to start a family together. I do know that in my heart of hearts we are meant to be together. Right now is when we need to do our own personal healing & do the things that we need to do for ourselves before we can do that.

At this time I need to recognize this, give him what he needs & do for myself what I know that I need to do before I start a family. It's silly to say this but it's in god's [gasp I said it] hands, I must let him be & if it's meant then he will come back to me.

Anyways, my drive was great & as far as when I am coming back I am not sure yet. I do know that when I get back more then likely I will be moving to Texas. I have to talk to my mom once she gets back from Australia cause as it is right now I can't and won't be able to afford to get my own UHaul and move with my car. I am definitely going to need financial assistance.

My Dad is going to be driving back to California with me too! It's just such a shame that we broke up cause that is a perfect opportunity for him to meet Suisse but for one I don't think my Dad would be too inclined to want to meet him as well as I am sure Suisse would feel it a little awkward as well...

I took quite a few pics of my drive if you click on the pic to the left. That pic is of the lower polo fields. My Dad's office & house is overlooking the professional & practice polo fields w/ all the horses & clubhouse. His wife's parents live down there too. It's so beautiful, if you want to see the rest I am sure I will take some more while I am here.