l Another memory popped up to bite me in the ass today l

| October 14, 2004 || 10:49 p.m. |

I can't say that I am 100% these days, in fact my side [tummy] has been feeling strange. My first thought right now is pregnancy. I know that the likelihood is that it's not but my heart would love it if it were the case. I know I am officially insane for thinking or even wishing at this point that I would be pregnant. But that sick and twisted part inside is hopeful. It feels weird. It's like a cramp but my tummy feels firm inside. My breasts aren't horribly sore like they were the last time I was pregnant. I don't know, my period is supposed to start on my birthday next Wednesday so I guess I will wait and see then. Of course I wanted to ask the folks at Planned Parenthood to do a test but I chickened out. I don't know if I want to shell out money for a test especially since my period is close. I am an impatient biotch but I think I can wait. I might anyways.

My cousin was back in the hospital with contractions 3-5 minutes apart. She is only 27 weeks along with the twins. They are giving her all this medication to keep the contractions from coming but so far it's not doing that great. I'm headed over there in the morning after I first swing by the local Trader Joe's to pick us up some yummies. I think I am staying for the weekend, at least that is what I intend to do. She shouldn't be moved around, I was kind of disappointed to hear that her mother in law was going to have her picked up and brought to her house while Jayna's hubby was away. That's just fucking selfish on her part. Moving her around like a fucking delivery pizza is putting those beautiful little babies in jeopardy of being born prematurely which could also mean becoming mentally retarded or stunted for their entire lives if born 3 months prematurely. I kind of felt as if she was a little too controlling ever since I met her before the wedding. I really didn't appreciate it then and now that those little twins are the ones it affects so dramatically it makes me even more uncomfortable. I know Jayna wants to make things okay and not do anything to upset her in-laws but I think everyone should be more focused on what is best for the babies and not convenient for them. I can take the time to spend at Jayna's house being there for her, coming to cater and care for her and the babies. I would love to be there for the duration of the pregnancy if I could but that isn't possible. If only I could make money doing it too... lmao I would never ask that of my family so please don't think that. But I wouldn't mind at all, in fact I would love to be a caregiver for my cousin. I am such the homemaker, yes that is me, Susie. Perhaps that is why I am so hopeful for a baby right now. I don't know. I just want to nurture and feel as if I am taking care of someone. It's such a fulfilling feeling.

Anyways, I don't think I will have Internet access while at the cousin's but as so many of your wonderful friends did you may always feel free to call me or text message me. Again, I don't know if I mentioned it before but I received so many text messages from all of you while on my drive up here. I didn't know who they were all from since only a few put there screen/names in the text of the message but to all a nice big THANK YOU!! It's been so wonderful having so much support through all of these hard, emotional times.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo, angel

If you would like to read the horoscopes provided below and give me your analysis I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks again.

My horoscopes~The situation you now face won't get any easier unless you accept it and realize that you need to address it head on. Draw upon the wisdom you have gained from past relationships. This is one of those classic examples of d�j� vu. You have been in this situation before. How did you deal with it last time and what was the outcome? Do you want the same outcome to happen again? If you truly want something different, then you need to act differently at this particular junction. During mid-week you will be very conscious of the fact that the kind of energy you get back from your loved ones is exactly the kind of energy you are putting out. Keep this in mind, dear Libra, as you make your big decision with regard to romance. There is an opportunity for love to blossom into something quite beautiful, romantic, and loving. All of the elements are falling into place. You just need to recognize them, accept them, and work with them - not against them.

Suisse's ~ You can use this day to dig yourself deeper into a hole. Or through patient discussion, you can aim to finally to climb out. The choice is yours. It depends on whether you can overcome your fears of revealing the deeper feelings you have - even though this may prove difficult - or whether you still feel the need to hide your true emotions. As the week kicks off, you are feeling alone, dear Suisse. You feel estranged from the world around you - especially from your romantic partner. Why is this? Well, it's easy to blame this loneliness on everyone around you. It's easy for you to say, well, he or she just doesn't understand me. These people don't really know who I am or what I am going through. Now ask yourself this: how are they supposed to know you when you are too scared to tell them who you are? You're the one who is being so secretive with your true emotions. You feel lonely because you only share certain parts of yourself with others. Because of your limited sharing, you only are able to enjoy a limited connection with the ones you love. This week your job is to broaden your connection. Break out of this loneliness by taking a pro-active role. You will never form a true, full, and romantic passionate connection with someone by sitting around moping in a pool of self-pity. You've had a run of difficulty lately, dear Suisse. Quite frankly, the astrological atmosphere has not made it easy for you to get what you want in terms of perfect love. This month, however, the energy turns around for the better. After October 4, people are willing to be more serious and committed with regard to love. Another switch in energy comes on October 16 when communication improves and you find that you are on the same wavelength with the person you want to be close to. Your love life gets even better after October 24 when your own confidence improves and you are soaring high.