l What really does make for a Happy Birthday anyways? l

| October 19, 2004 || 6:24 p.m. |

I'm sitting here back at my Dad's staring at the giant wallpaper map of the world with Switzerland sitting right in front of me. It's painful, as well as I am doing with all of this it's a bunch of shit. I am masking my pain with a smile & a load of positive thoughts. It almost works but then there are those moments that come flooding back stinging the backs of my eyes with tears. My heart just won't stop aching. I am so lonely, even with all of my family surrounding me I am lonely.

I spent the weekend at my cousin's watching TV, laying about - a lot of which I do on my own back at home. I got hooked on Alias but don't have the rest of the dvds to continue where I had left off. I felt useful & helpful being able to take care of her. I'd love to be able to do that more often but she has enough people around to fill her hours over and over. I am glad for that. We had fun chatting and laughing then of course last night was her birthday. I got to stay the night at my aunt's & see my cousin Jared when we had dinner at Chad & Jayna's. It was nice. Now here I am back at Dad's. Neither him nor his wife will be home until late tonight so I am here left alone to think about crap I really don't want to think about.

My mom did call me though Sunday night, very brief phone call & she had no idea what had happened with everything. It was hard to stop the conversation so early but a cell phone call from Australia can add up. She did email yesterday though & told me that she wanted me to stay with her in Texas until I got on my feet & they would help me get my own apartment once I found a job. We're going to talk about everything once she gets home on Friday from Aussie & of course we will briefly talk tomorrow on my birthday.

I can't believe it's my birthday tomorrow. It doesn't even feel like a celebratory time of year. I can't imagine being one to blow out candles & be happy to celebrate anything tomorrow. I was so looking forward to going to Cheers w/ Suisse and singing my heart out, as I love to do. I was looking forward to actually spending Saturday and the weekend with Suisse. I was looking forward to a lot and now what? I look forward to packing up my empty life & moving to Texas.

I know there is more to come & a new chapter of my life is opening it self to be written but I hurt. I can't hold back my tears anymore. I've done so well at doing that for a week now & I can't. I hate having my imagination sometimes. I think of the worst things and I know that none of it the way it is but it still stings my soul.

I get to drive back to California and then pack up everything I've known and move again to somewhere I know no one but my family. I guess my first mission [aside from finding a job] is to find me a cheers where I can sing.

I still have no idea when I am even going back to California or how I am even going to afford to pay Bill the money I owe him and be able to move to Texas. Fuck. I don't know shit right now.

xoxoxoxoxxo, angel

Holiday! *** Today is your astrological birthday~ even though it may be a day different from your calendar birthday. As would seem appropriate with this transit, today is a day of new beginnings, and the influences you feel today will affect the entire year to come. However, this does not mean that the whole year will be disappointing if today doesn't work out exactly as planned. You are receiving a new impulse from the energy center within you, as symbolized by the Sun. Therefore any new venture that you start at this time will ride the crest of this new energy and will very likely come to an acceptable conclusion. Whatever you do or begin today will bear the stamp of your individuality more than anything else will. This is the day to assert yourself anew.