l Remembrance is the secret of reconciliation l

| December 31, 2004 || 5:51 p.m. |

I have a couple options tonight... I could go to a hotel party, go see the girlie I kissed at that club a month ago or stay at home with my mom, her hubby & my little brother & watch movies. The safest bet is to stay here, I know where the girl is, I've been there before, but I did say I'd go to the first party but I have no clue how far away it is & all the cops are going to be out full force.

I got drunk last night too so I am not feeling 100%. I don't know really why I got drunk but I could & did. I ended up saying shit like I always to on the phone with Suisse. Shit like.. move here, be with me... blah blah blah. I always do that when I am drunk. He is the first person [only really] that I call or just have to call when I am drunk. I won't be able to call him tonight since he will be at the casino. I told him he has to win a ton of money so he can move here & buy me a big house like my mom's. That'd be the day!

Everyday I want kids more & more. I think it's a maturity, quarter life crisis thing. I want to settle down, get married to Suisse & begin my life. Dammit to hell though that he is not ready for that. He's 31, how can he not be ready? I know how, I just wish he'd hurry up & heal. My mom's not going anywhere but I still want to get a move on. I want to have my first kid by 32 & I want to have enjoyed my husband alone for at least 5/6 yrs prior to having kids. Somehow I don't see that happening but that is how I've always wanted it to be.

Did I mention that all three of us [myself, my mom & her hubby], are all quitting smoking at midnight tonight. We got a ton of chewing gum & those nic patches, but I think we still might end up killing one another.

My scope for today~ Don't make your friends send a search party. Let them know how you're doing. You're in a feisty mood, wanting to say exactly what's on your mind. Remember that it's New Year's, and you want things to go smoothly. Good luck keeping quiet. It won't be easy. You're free to attend any event, or even stay home if that's your mood. Formal attire is optional although, unless you're in very intimate company, some clothing might be a good idea. The evening is yours to enjoy.