l Am I numb? l

| February 16, 2005 || 1:56 p.m. |

First thing I do in the morning is read my buddies here at dland. A few of them are actual in-real-life friends such as mspsyched1, Tracey. Well this morning I found out that a good friend/ex-co-worker of mine was killed Monday night. A car hit him & the investigation is continuing to determine if it was an accident or not. What rings odd is his girlfriend called a fellow co-worker to inform him of this guy's death first, upon request of this individual only days [could be wrong] before. "If something should happen to me call so-and-so first". Some have said that they think he might have been joking around [like he always did] & jumped in front of what he thought was his brother's car but no one really knows for sure.

This hit me as such a surprise, as you can only imagine. He was such the character. Picture, if you will, a man only about 5'5" ish, Egyptian, bald [shaved head], so much energy you could sworn he was on speed half of the time, a real time bomb type of guy. He had just so much energy that & a delicate hair trigger, which determined just how he utilized that energy. We butted heads on more then one occasion. He was a classic chauvinist but so chill at the same time. A vast majority of my CD collection was burned from his too. He enjoyed all types of music from Stevie Nicks to DJ Quik & Led Zeppelin. We both loved Metallica too.

As I sit here behind my ergonomically incorrect desk in Texas, I can't help but feel tears welling up in my eyes yet fight them back relentlessly. I want to be back there, I should never have left that job. As much stress & headaches it gave me they were really a part of my family. I can't go back either, I gave Tracey my job & I think they love her more then they did me. Shit, they finally hired an assistant for her in less then 6 months when they did nothing but promise one for me for 2 fucking years. It did get a lot busier once I left, as it had slowed down a lot during my last few months. A real blessing for Trace too as she was struggling to understand everything after I was completely gone. I strangely feel as if a family member of mine has died yet I don't even know if I have the right to feel that way anymore since I abandoned them. Well not abandoned them, I gave them a far better employee then I provided them in my place but you know what I mean. I think.

I don't know if I should call in to work at Xpress or if I even have a valid reason to not go there tonight. I almost feel as if I have to go to work since it's not a family member or something like that but I can barely function here right now as it is. I don't want to do anything but there is a strangely large amount of work for me to do. I surely can't go home early from here but I don't know what to do about Xpress.

I feel just so... so...

Anyone have any advice for me?

Today's horoscope~ Think incrementally, not radically. The slower you go, the more you'll accomplish. A marvelous effect - This influence arouses the creative and romantic imagination, either giving you a greater appreciation for and sensitivity to beauty, with a strong desire to be surrounded by it, or sending you off into a pleasant daydream. If you experience the first response, make an effort to expose yourself to art, music or poetry today, because they will have a marvelous effect upon your consciousness. Aspects of reality and perception that you are normally not aware of are yours under this influence. Even placing yourself in beautiful surroundings, such as a pleasant country spot, a beautiful garden or a striking landscape, will have a very powerful effect upon you. In relationships this influence gives you an acute sensitivity to the needs and feelings of your loved ones.