l "A career is born in public--talent in privacy." ~ Marilyn Monroe l

| March 03, 2005 || 10:19 a.m. |

I've been lagging on posting/writing parte deux. I actually got busy at work [okay I had my 90-day review, but I did get busy as well, trying to pick up my own slack].

So the book Tuesday's with Morrie, helped me realize that I can still be happy with this situation by accepting by feels of loss or distance from my Suisse & then detaching myself from them. Not lose them or disregard them but detach for a while. I am sure that probably doesn't make sense; you'll have to read it to understand completely I think. It's a fantastic book & you can even buy it for only .90 cents used on Amazon, just click the link I gave you. I assure you it's more then worth the shipping & handling charges. It doesn't mean I don't care about him, that will never change, it just helps me cope day-to-day with the missing him part.

I think I am going to be selfish though, I think I have to be selfish. It's only fair for him to move here, after he only has ties to his job & a few friends in CA. I have family [all of my mom's & immediate side], a great job with lots of growth potential [not to mention the 2nd job], friends [few], and just restarted my life, because of losing us. I would be sacrificing a lot more then he would be. So far I've been the only one sacrificing anything in this relationship. I think I deserve this one. He made the mistake of breaking up with me & so if he really wants to marry me & live our lives together he can & will move here. If not, then well, I guess it's not meant to be. I can't give in to this one. It's just not right, emotionally, economically & rationally.

Just think of the quality of our life together would be if it was in CA. We'd almost never be able to buy a home, I'd constantly be struggling to finish paying off debt & support myself let alone any kids we have. I know with the double income we'd get by, but I want to do more then get by. I want to be pregnant around my family, own our own home before we even have kids, and be able to afford to take family vacations, go to Switzerland to see his mom & sister, Cape Cod to see his older brother & stuff. We could do all of that stuff in Texas. Don't get me wrong, if I had my druthers my whole family would be in CA & it would be economically better to live there but that's never going to happen.

Okay enough ranting. Here is parte deux:

I didn't want to leave the house at all until I had to leave for the airport. I couldn't. I made us coffee & we lounged around listening to Romane Serda while cuddling & being "us".

When the dreaded time came so did the jokes. "I could just drive past the airport", "Oops I just got back on the freeway headed home". The jokes were mixed with pleas to stay a week, stay, and just stay. I can't be that irresponsible, but the urge was incredibly strong.

Opening that car door, standing there with my luggage we embraced & a whispered "I love you" found its way into my ear. Tears, so many tears. It seems like sempiternity, I wish it had been. I walked away & into the small airport that is SNA, I glanced back to watch him drive away but he was still here. As I wound through the security line I could see him still parked outside. 15 minutes, he sat there in his car. I was fighting not only with my tears but with the urge to run out to him, forget Texas, it's only him. But I didn't, I watched him leave 15 minutes later. He said later that He had wanted to make sure he was in the right place at the right time, just in case. Just in case, made me cry again. Then came the running stream of every cheesy romance movie I had ever seen. As I sit there leaning into the window of my cramped seat I felt the urge to jump up & shout - "Stop the plane! I can't! I'm in love! Let me off this plane!! Turn back around!!". Every clich� you can imagine ran through my mind and it the most difficult thing to suppress.

Once I was able to keep my tears at bay I was actually able to fall asleep on the plane. I guess you could say I cried myself to sleep. I would have made it all the way home had it not been for the antsy Asian old woman elbowing me really hard in my side. She didn't even apologize!! I thought we were landing cause it felt like one of those "hey, wake your ass up & put your seat in the upright position" nudges. I am not a heavy/deep sleeper at all so that just ruined everything. I couldn't sleep the rest of the last hour home. Thankfully though I flew back into Gate C so I only had to walk about 30 terminals over to my parked car. I don't even want to type all about my mad dash from C to A Friday night. They changed me at the last minute so that was not fun, thankfully for me, luckily actually, the plane was coming from Costa Rica & hadn't arrived yet. It was not that fun getting home at midnight Sunday night & coming back to work. But thankfully I didn't have to work at my 2nd job until tonight.