l So who's being selfish now? l

| March 30, 2005 || 9:32 a.m. |

Suisse changed his mind. He won't be trying to live here in Texas. Why? Because he just doesn't want to move here. It doesn't matter that this is where I am or that my family is here, he just won't do it. Apparently we have plenty of time & he is not asking me to move to CA or to MA when he does move close to his brother. Then why the fuck are we together? We don't have time. Why wouldn't he ask me to move anywhere to be with him? If he wants to fucking marry me & spend the rest of his life with me then why can't he move here for a couple of years just to be with me?? I said all of this to him. I yelled. I yelled a lot. How could he possibly love me & not want to be with me? We have time. What the fuck does that mean? What if something [heaven forbid] were to happen to one of us? We don't have time. Damn it if we set a wedding date only to give him the sense of time to propose or have to be with me. Apparently he can wait for me. Apparently he can wait until I finally give in & move wherever the fuck he wants to move. He said that is not the case but then what the fuck is?? What is the other option?? Us just never living together? What does that say about us, huh? Please let me know what your take is on it. He said he knows that I have wanted to be here with my family for a while & he wouldn't ask me to leave them for him, but he won't move to a place he has been once because he doesn't like it.

Please, do tell me what to think because I just don't know. I almost told him I was going to cancel my flight in April because we were pointless. I didn't though. I still want to go. It's Sarah & I'm also very weak. I miss him. It's been over a month since I've seen him last but will he ever come out here to visit me? I'm beginning to have my doubts.

I don't work tonight but I am going to see my Mom & perhaps my Grandma as well. I am beginning to feel lost.

Please comment. I need the advice.