l Welcome to Marguaritaville l

| April 28, 2005 || 1:53 p.m. |

The morning I wake up at 830Am [all ready 30 minutes late], I can't skip my lunch break to make up for the one hour total I missed because we are having our Department luncheon at Joe T. Garcias [I love that place]. Damn I might have to stay a little late & not get to the pre-party for Bruce at a good time. But at 4pm today we are also having a marguarita party here at work to celebrate Admin week! It's not a non-alcoholic marguarita party either so I guess I do get to do some drinking before I go to see Bruce, at work no less!

Anyways, so it sounds like it will be a fabulous day even though it did get off to a bad start.

My allergies are killing me though. I don't want to blame them on the gorgeous flowers I've received but I don't think those are helping.

I'm tired but with the right amount of coffee I should be fine. I can't wait. Tomorrow is Friday and soon I will be back in CA with Suisse. If only every weekend I could say that.

I had a fucked up dream last night too. I dreamt of a girl that I semi-sort of dated here, more like hung out with and hooked up with occasionally. We are no longer friends [big surprise] but last night she had snuck into my apartment. It was strange. very strange. especially since she has just resurfaced and back here reading again. Or at least she was yesterday morning. Perhaps that is what spawned the dream, I don't know. But anyways the dream was basically us becoming friends again, getting over the crap that was wrong & just acknowledging that a friendship [only] could be had. I wish that were true, perhaps that is why I did dream of it. Ya see, I have a problem. I love women. I love beautiful women. I am weak when it comes to a beautiful woman coming on to me. Yet I am not 'available' for dating nor do I want to get involved in a relationship with anyone else. I just want that companionship, that physical companionship that I miss. The no strings attached, drama-less fun. It's impossible though. Emotions develop and I hate hurting people, I hate lying. I just can't have what I want basically unless it involves just that and I am the worst liar in the world.

I guess I want my cake and be able to eat it too. Funny, strange but funny cause I am becoming the type of girl I have always hated. Well not hated but did not want to become. I am now that girl that gives 'bi' a bad name. I don't like to think of myself as bi. I actually think of myself as more of a "one-man lesbian". Interesting term I know, as well do I know that a lot of the 'community' looks down on women like me, I know I did at one point. But I don't really care. I know who I am & who I love. I am selfish. Don't like it? Well don't deal with it. I'm not forcing anyone too.

Enough of that tangent. I've hurt people and I am sorry for that. If you are reading Z, I honestly tried to be honest as much as I could. I always answered your questions even when I was uncomfortable with them. I enjoyed hanging out with you, I had so much fun & I do really miss being friends. But I know that is too much to ask.

So yeah. It's time for me to go to the department lunch. Hope you all have a great day.