l just to be with you is having the best day of my life l

| May 12, 2005 || 3:40 p.m. |

Okay that's just not fair. I've written two entries in my Wedding Planner and not a single one here! *bad angel!*

There's a great new position open here at my full time job, I'd love it but it's over my head, I don't have as many years in Human Resources as I'd need & frankly I doubt after being here only 6 months they'd give me a management position. It'd be a nice raise that's for damn sure.

I just asked about my next review, for some reason I was thinking I got one at 6 months [which is this month] but alas, no, one year. I have another 6 months until I get any sort of a raise. That sucks. Mostly because judging by how I am doing financially right now, I won't be able to quite my 2nd job, not if I want to be able to have any form of a life. Which really is a fix since working a 2nd job minimizes the time to actually have a social life. Also my lease is up at the end of August & my Mom wants me to move closer at that time. I don't think I can even afford anything more then what I am paying now. There's nothing near or closer to my family in that price range. My Mom did say she would have offered to pay $100 dollars of my rent just to be in a better location [and closer].

I don't mind moving closer, it'd be nice when I'm visiting them but it will lengthen my commute to work again. I like my short commute & longer sleep time [even if I don't get that much sleep]. I don't know. I also am planning on moving back to CA right after the holidays to be with Suisse. If I moved and signed another 6-month lease, I wouldn't be able to move until February. Hmmm... I don't know how much longer I can stay so far away from him. I am only staying until after the holidays so I have some sort of job stability on my resume, even if one year+ is not that great, it's much better then it showing I moved out of state & started 2 new jobs for only 6-months. How reliable does that sound?

Those are my stresses. I have to try my best to be logical & think with my head rather then my heart. That's the worst part by far. My emotions definitely get the best of me. Especially right now [I started today].

I feel like an ass and I always know why & when I am going to start in on that emotional pms rollercoaster. I should just bury myself away & not talk to anyone but no I go off & be a snap-happy bitch to the love of my life Tuesday night. I hung up on him. I cut his sentence off & hung up on him when he said he'd probably not be able to take a day off to come down until around the end of June.

Want to know what I did after hanging up? I called him back... almost an hour later. Why? Because I wanted him to call me back & he didn't. I knew he wasn't going to but my pms rant did not want to acknowledge that. Why do we hang up & expect them to call us back? So yeah, I called him back only to yell at him. Another big pms mistake. I cried & told him how I was feeling etc. Okay, I was kind of yelling at him. So he was annoyed that I had hung up & I was being a pain. As a man, he didn't want to talk to me that way; as a woman I had to talk that way. My heart & chest felt like it would explode if I didn't get it all out. Me + pms x red wine = disaster.

He calmly asked me if we could talk about it later & go to bed. He asked me nicely to say good-bye because as the 'bigger person' in this situation he would not hang up until I agreed to ending the conversation. He would not get off the phone until I said goodbye. He's a wonderful man & there are so many times when I think I don't deserve him. Too bad there are more times when I think just the opposite. Kidding.

Don't worry though, our daily scrabble game still continues [I'm so kicking his ass!!]. It's all good in our seperated hood.

Okay, I needed a good laugh & I got one. Check this out. I was very pleasantly surprised with my random banner click for once in a long time.