l Since you've been gone l

| May 31, 2005 || 3:06 p.m. |

I'm too lonely these days, it's not healthy and I fear that it might end up with very negative, bad results. I spent a great deal of the long weekend either drunk & crying or just drunk. Overall I was just plain depressed. I can't handle being lonely. I have the love of my life a thousand miles away and at many times it feels as if he is even farther then that. I know we're different people & I shouldn't expect him to do things that I know I would do, that's just not right nor is it fair to him. But then again I don't expect to be blatantly ignored or even worse made to feel as if I were simply forgotten.

At least I did go out with a couple co-workers Saturday night after closing at X. I needed a couple glasses of wine & the company wasn't bad either. Too bad the wine went right to my heart & I ended up crying on the phone to my best friend Mary most of the night. It's true that my period is scheduled to start mid of next week but that isn't the only reason for my lonliness.

I need companionship, I need physical attention/affection. I need Suisse!! Even if all I can get it phone time that would help out just a little but I couldn't even get a returned phone call when I did finally get ahold of him Sunday morning. One of my least favorite things is being told "I'll call you right back" or "as soon as I wake/get up" and having it never happen. Not even a late in the day call to apologize, instead I get a half-assed sorry email that just states that: "sorry i didn't call you back sunday". That's it?? After my pissed off voicemails that obviously were signs that perhaps a little more then just a pathetic email would be necessary to be forgiven. Hmm... yeah apparently that's how much I mean to him. No effort must be required to retain me or keep me happy. My happiness must not be on the list of priorities like playing poker or going hiking are.

**Don't take any of this to heart or as much other then just my ranting & raving. I need to vent here from time to time.**

I've gained a couple pounds back. I hate it. It's the lonliness & depression that is getting to me. It's starting to show physically and that is no good, no good at all. I can't tell you how much of the weight I've lost I gained back since it's been months since my toes have seen a scale but I can tell by the way my clothes fit that I need to do something quickly about my eating/dietary habits.

Things to do

• Start running/excerising


• Stop eating so many 'snacks'


• Stop drinking so much wine, I was doing really well with this one up until this weekend.


• Start having a life outside of Suisse [as if I even have one with him right now]


• start working my 3rd job

Actually what kind of life can I have if I am working 3 jobs? I pretty much have it btw. The SM is going to call me when she does the schedule for the next 3 weeks to let me know how many hours she can give me.

It looks like our London trip might get Postponed. So far we're only finding flights that are muy muy expensive and although we're saving money by renting a flat we'd rather have the extra money to be able to shop or do things while we are there. It's not a done deal but it's under serious consideration unless we can find a great deal soon.

I'm running out of time here at work since it's a short week, I'm just a little overwhelmed today.

I can't wait to get home & sleep.