l When it rains, it pours l

| June 17, 2005 || 9:32 a.m. |

I didn't even get an email yesterday, not one move on the scrabble board. But I didn't call. I don't think he would answer anyways. CA has had 3 earthquakes 4 earthquakes since Sunday, the 2nd of which sent a Tsunami warning from Alaska to Mexico. I know I am probably over reacting but I am pissed off and worried as all hell. He was going for a walk Wednesday after work. In the area he has been going for these walks has been famous for Mountain Lions attacking joggers, runners, bikers etc. I think they tracked down all of the ones in the known area but still not even a scrabble move. nothing. I hate being so far away that I can't just drive by to make sure his car is in the driveway, that he is at least alive. I fought the urge to call his work yesterday only because that is not very cool. It's like a way of trapping him into talking to me even if for only a minute. He wouldn't know who was calling and his co-workers wouldn't think of asking.

This is the shit he pulls that tells me that even though he says he is ready for us to move in together, live together, start a life together, he really isn't. It's easy to say he is when I am a thousand miles away, knowing that I am firm about not moving before I get a ring and after the New Years as not to ruin my resume. All I am saying is he better be hurt. That would be the only excuse for not calling or playing a fucking scrabble game that he is winning. I know he is not that busy at work. It's slowed down so much he said numerous times that he doesn't have enough work to keep him busy for 8 hours so he's been leaving around 2 or 3 everyday.

If he was hurt though there would be no way I'd ever find out about it. If he were in the hospital, in a coma it's not like I am his emergency contact or they'd even know to call me as his girlfriend. He doesn't carry his cell phone around with him when he's walking or hiking so how the hell would they even know? My number is in his wallet, it has been since we met but so is all of his family and friends numbers. They wouldn't call the international numbers that is for sure but there is no way they'd be able to tell that my name was of any significance.

I am not good at dealing with this type of stress. I shouldn't have to. He hasn't changed his spots, will he ever? It's not like when we live together he can disappear like this but is that really an excuse?

A guilty mind is the devil's playground. I know that I don't have to worry about another woman. I know him too well which is reassuring but it doesn't stop my mind of thinking about all that horrible stuff. I'm the one that shouldn't be trusted but he has no worries in the world when it comes to our relationship. Back when I first moved here he worried that I wouldn't be around when he was ready so why the hell did I reassure him so much that he doesn't think it's anything to worry about? But back when I first moved here he had all ready broken up with me a month before. He never thought that I'd really move when I said I was going to so when I did that frightened him. I had the power at that point? Why did I get scared of losing him and give that up? He was all ready scared of losing me!

We women really don't make much sense or perhaps it's just me, I'm a fucking relationship-retard.

I've had so many thoughts of just giving up and moving on lately. Is that wrong? Or am I just thinking that out of a basic self-preservation instinct? My love for him is not fading, it grows stronger everyday. Unfortunately though the ones you love the most are the ones that can cause you the most pain & heartache.