l I feel like a faded sign l

| June 23, 2005 || 3:10 p.m. |

The one night I try to take a cancer-strength sleeping pill [i say cancer strength cause its the stuff the docs gave my mom during her chemo & radiation sessions], is the one night that I get phone calls. Miss ionme herself gave me a ring-a-ling-ding, very surprising and yet very much appreciated. I need someone to talk to, not as much as I need someone to cuddle with me and love me but I will take what I can get. An old [actually young] girl called me, I have talked to her a zillion times via messenger [in the past] and we hung out a handful of times, going to GirlBar, Prides etc... She was my lesbian cheerleader. I did have a crush on her slightly a while back but she has a lot of drama in her life [she's a gemini go figure]. There was one point back when Suisse and I first started dating that she called me about 15 times a day. It wasn't anything psycho I actually told her to call me when she had that urge to call her exgf. That bitch was a headtrip and a half.

No one else called. No one called to check in on me after my meltdown Wednesday night, no call even from Suisse. I'm not getting any of my needs met anymore. I am contantly feeling as if I have to ask him about everything or else he won't tell me anything about his life. I am the only one calling and even then not getting returned phone calls unless I say it's an emergency or after I've bugged him enough times or made him promise, swear even. I know this is who he is and I really shouldn't expect him to change. It just seems like he tried, called, sent nice long [for him] emails etc when he was afraid of losing me & now that he knows I am not going anywhere and dead set about us getting married he just doesn't have to try at all.

I just told him that it wasn't working. He didn't understand what I meant so I said "THIS" yet he still did not understand. I just explained it and am waiting to hear what he has to say. I told him that I feel like I am merely a pain in his ass because I have to always ask him questions to find out anything that is going on in his life and I am always calling to talk to him but never seem to get ahold of him. I feel like I am a pest, an annoyance. I've told him time & time again what my needs are and nothing has changed. My needs are not being met. I don't ask for much. I ask to be apart of his life not just when I move there and we can really be a 'we' life. I want to be talked to, I need that physical conversation desperately. It's the only way I can feel connected to him. Hell at least before I'd talk to him at night on MSN Messenger, he hasn't been online at night for two weeks now so I lost even that small connection. I have to take what I can get & right now that is nothing. I won't stand for nothing when I deserve everything.

To keep me from melting into my couch I took a closing shift at ODS & then since I get off at the same time my brothers softball game starts I told my mom I'd met her there. I need to start living my life. It hurts too much to be on stand-by.

I keep forgetting about my French homework. I never had Suisse correct it cause well let's face it he hasn't been very available online lately other then playing Scrabble.

Here is what Brucegirl gave me to translation.

1a] I like going to concerts because I love music and I think music is best live.

En Francais:

1b] J'aime aller a le concerts et J'aime la musique et je crois. [sorry i couldn't do the accents]

2a]I love to take photos, both outdoor and indoor.

2b]J'aime prendre les photos, [couldn't find the transation for the rest].

3a] I like to puzzle (jig puzzle). [sorry bg the rest was too difficult to translate]

3b] J'aime faire les puzzles.