l 43 yrs, then 12 months and now only 7 weeks l

| July 16, 2005 || 11:47 p.m. |

It's baaaack! What the doctor's diagnosed as spinal meningitis is just that but now it's taken on a new title... malignant meningitis. I've never really known what meningitis was to begin with but as I started over to the hospital only with the knowledge of it being the spinal meningitis and they started her on the appropriate anti-biotics I had a break down.

As I said before I've only been to a hospital once before when little Angelina was born. I think subconsciously I knew there was something more cause as soon as my car veered towards the last few miles to the hospital I just lost it. I could barely drive let alone get myself to get out of the car and up the room. I didn't think I could do it but I made myself. First my Grandma called me early this morning to tell me the s.m thing, then it was Aussie which surprised me [it was hours later cause I made myself go back to sleep]. I guess my Mom was really worried about me. I had to run to the model home to pick up my auction winnings and while I was there my little brother called asking where I was and when I was going to get there. That surprised me. He was calling from my Grandma's phone [which her calling didn't surprise me]. I promised that I wasn't far aways and then once I got stuck in a mile long wait to get onto the freeway my Grandma called. Perhaps all of that was what made me realize that something more was going on. Deep down I knew it was worse then what I was originally told that morning.

So Californian of me I wore my sunglasses into the hospital and still had them on when I gave my Mom a hug. Her first words were - they told you all ready didn't they? Now if I hadn't all ready been crying hard enough I instantly got this overwhelming sense of fury. No, what? What did they tell me about?? That's when she broke the news. I simply said [prior to her saying that someone must have told me] that I hated hospitals and had never really been in one. Once she mentioned that it was malignant I knew it meant cancer. While it's still considered breast cancer cells it's also meningitis because it's in the fluid surrounding the brain.

It's not brain cancer, let me clarify that. They way the doctor described it was like this. Picture a film that lays atop the brain fluid. The type of film that soup gets when it starts to go cold. That's where the cancer cells went. They somehow got into her spinal fluid and traveled up into her brain.

Now they said that they can do radiation on her head. I guess they make her some kind of special helmet that marks exactly where they need to do the radiation. It's not clear if they will have to shave her entire head or not but she will at least have bald spots where the radiation will be directed at.

They are also doing an MRI on her spine to see if the cancer cells are there as well. If that is the case they can do both radiation and chemo. Apparently chemo is not an option for the head. The brain naturally protects itself from any form of treatment or I forget what they called it but yeah. It can't be done. Fuck if it protects itself so damn much then how could it have happened in the first place??

I nearly started pounding my fists into my own leg. I was holding back every obscenity I wanted to scream because my Poppy, Grandma and little brother were there and I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. I did break down again though and say "no, no, how could this happen? they said you were in remission, the last scan they did on Monday said it wasn't cancer."

It's another roller coaster, she said. Just like last time the doctor's first told her it was nothing to worry about [or just not cancer], only to come back a few hours later and squash that entire thing saying, no we're fucking idiotic morons who can't read scan results right the first time and so sorry it's cancer [again].

7 weeks, 7 weeks after a clean scan saying she was in remission, 7 weeks since we all celebrated a new lease on her life. I could have handled "central canal stenosis", hell even just the "viral meningitis" just like Brad P*tt had but no, not for my Mom. Not for my Mom who's had such a difficult life, with so many horrible things having happened years ago and going through 3 husbands before finally meeting the man of her dreams, moving into her dream house and now in the middle of the construction of her dream pool, does she get cancer for the third time...this time being in the spinal fluid, the brain fluid. Her brain is floating in fluid that is filled with fucking breast cancer cells.

It's kind of funny that they still call it breast cancer even though it's in her head. It's meningitis but it's breast cancer. All of it's totally confusing and scary as fuck. All of it means that this could be it for my Mom. I told her though that third times a charm. I have to think positively, I have to think that she's going to help me raise my children in 7 years from now. I can't acknowledge that she might not be around to help me plan a wedding that I don't even know will happen next year. I can't think about that but I do, my mind is so twisted that despite my fight to be eternally optimistic, I can't help but have a horrible thought about her dying before any of those life altering events can happen.

Even though I was the most reluctant to go see her in the hospital I ended up being the last one, most reluctant to leave her. Everyone else went home, even her husband but I stayed holding her hand while sitting next to her hospital bed until a little after 11pm. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay the night but she wouldn't let me. I pictured myself in her situation and after everyone leaving, laying in that sterile empty hospital room alone just breaking down completely. I couldn't do it. I didn't want her to do that even though she is so much stronger then I. I wanted to wait at least until after she fell asleep to leave since she insisted that I go to either my house or stay at hers but she didn't like the idea of being watched as she was sleeping. So after she took the sleeping pill she had requested early [having only gotten one hour sleep the night before], I made my reluctant exit. I didn't even make it to the elevator before I started to cry. Hell the tears were all ready welling up as I hugged her good bye and said I love you.

I made a promise to her that I'd look out for my little brother [my little 6 foot 1 brother]. She also had him promise to watch after me, she just didn't want us to do anything stupid. I wouldn't intentionally do anything stupid but I did run about 4 red lights on the way home because my head was too muddled and I was just bawling blindly.

I shouldn't be drinking this red wine that I am right now. I broke down and called Suisse [Oops typed his real name at first], I needed to talk to someone but all I got was either answering machine or voicemail. I'm sure he probably went camping again but I wouldn't know it since I haven't called him in over a week. I left him a message telling him about the whole situation, I'm sure it was very tearful voice, I know it was cause when I think about it and verbalize it I just crack. I haven't heard from him yet so he's probably no where near his phone or even within cellular range. If he doesn't respond one way or another to my message then its truely over. This is the time when I need him to be here for me. I need someone but I have no one to call or talk to that I really feel comfortable doing so. I feel as if I am going to be a burden calling others and being an emotional catastrophe in person or on the phone. All I want is him, all I need is to be in his arms. I need that protection, that safetly, security I feel when I am with him. I can't have it though, I don't have it and to be honestly other then writing here I really don't know what the fuck to do.

[Edited Sunday at 11:22am]This is fucking hilarious:

Much as you'd like to cut someone some slack -- for what's going to feel like the 900th time -- you're just about done passing out sympathy and understanding in their direction. Just be sure the frustration you're feeling toward them doesn't infiltrate any of your other encounters. You're set up for a lovely day, and an even better evening. Don't let them ruin it. Maybe you should just try to avoid them for a day -- or two.

If Suisse actually returns my call after he returns from whatever excursion he went on, this will so pertain to him. [/edit]