l Is there an unwritten law that prevents Doctor's from agreeing on anything? l

| July 18, 2005 || 4:02 p.m. |

All this time [weekend] we've been told that radiation is the only way to go and that chemo is not very effective on the brain. Well I went to visit on my lunch break when the radiologist showed up. Both my Grandparents were there as well as my little brother when the Radiologist states that they will not be doing radiation and there is no reason for it. Both the MRIs of her head and chest/spine showed nothing there fore there would be nothing to radiate.

Since they know that there are cancer cells somewhere in the spinal fluid, he says the only option is chemo, putting a shunt into her head where they can inject chemo directly into her head. Now all this time all the Doctor's mentioned that there was something they could do like that but they thought that radiation was the only way to go for the first step and as the Radiologist stated, if they were to radiate her entire head and spine that would deplete [not sure if that's the best term] over 50% of her
bone marrow thus being not a great idea.

So now we don't know what is going on. Are they going to have to open up her skull to put in that port thingie?
Probably. What effects does chemo being directly injected into the spinal fluid that the brain is floating in, have on the actual brain? The good side is my Mom won't be losing any hair other then where they will have to shave and insert this shunt/port what-the-fuck-ever.

My Mom looks great though which is and always has been the best but strangest thing. She just doesn't look
sick, well if you look past the finally thickening short hair of hers and the lymphatic left arm. I spent everyday and well into the evening at her bedside watching TV, I plucked her eyebrows [now that they're finally growing back in], and we just talked. My older brother even showed up with the kids for a while. He left with my little brother to get us all something for dinner and even after he got back they stayed for a couple hours before my Grandma volunteered to take the kids with her so my Brother could stay longer and give my Mom a little peace [it gets really crowded in a small hospital room with up to 8 people].

It's a rollercoasting cancer is. Of course my Mom's has to one of the most agressive, stubborn little fuckers. A doctor asked my Mom's permission to use her case [anonymously of course] as his presentation this coming week. My Mom's just had the strangest recurrences I guess. She had had a clean mammogram only 3 months before she found the lump that turned to be rather large and all ready spread into 28 lymph nodes. Then it came back 12 months later in 3 separate spots none of which being an organ just a spot here in the tissue, a spot there and somewhere else all around the left arm/pit/shoulder. Now only 7 weeks out of her last chemo session it shows up in her spinal fluid!! Now my Mom's never been the easiest person to deal or live with so I guess it only seems fit that the cancer living in her body would be the same way.

Wanna hear a surprise? My little brother's ex-gf, the 2 yr older then our own Mom, married british woman, sent my Mom a dozen white roses, along with white lilacs [or irises I have no clue]. She delivered them herself to the 4th floor and asked a nurse to take them back to her room. The nurse not knowing who she was said, "Oh why don't you deliver them yourself, her parents just arrived". She just said "maybe some other time". My brother needed someone to talk to after he went home Saturday and my Mom really doesn't mind that. It's natural and normal for him to need someone to be there to talk to or cry to and she was with him since he was 18 [almost 4 yrs].

Me on the other hand, I get an email "I got your message yesterday, how are you? how is your mom?" I left him a tearful message on SATURDAY, the got the message YESTERDAY... did he call?? Fuck no. He emailed me. A short, impersonal email. no hugs, no kisses, no I'm sorry, I miss you, nothing. A time I need him most of all, how I wish he were coming out as we had planned [excuse me, I had planned], it would have been such perfect timing. All I need is to be held, loved, appreciated and missed. All I really need is to hear is voice if nothing else. Why is it he was always there for me when I first moved here but now he seems like a world away with no means of being able to communicate.

I know there are a grip of people whom I can call, people here from work, girls I've met while living here, Tracey, Mary, Tasha, Alana... I could make a long list but it doesn't matter. I appreciate it, I seriously feel incredibly loved by all of it but there's only one person whom I really long to reach out to. It always has been and always will be Suisse.