l Much Sadness in this tearful Goodbye l

| August 17, 2005 || 3:01 p.m. |

My first love, my first kiss and two years later turned out to my be absolute first has died. Well he died June 8th apparently but I just found out last night. I just read that he was engaged and had a daughter named Faith.

Here is an except of that last article incase you can't read it:

WASILLA

Jeremiah Evans, 26

Lifelong Alaskan Jeremiah David Evans, 26, of Wasilla, died June 8, 2005, at Providence Alaska Medical Center in Anchorage from injuries suffered in a vehicle-pedestrian accident.

Visitations will be at 7 p.m. Thursday and Friday at Valley Funeral Home Chapel, 2020 Hemmer Road in Palmer. A funeral will be at 1 p.m. Saturday at St. Michael's Catholic Church in Palmer. The Rev. Leo Deso will officiate. Flowers are welcome.

Mr. Evans was born March 9, 1979, in Soldotna. He was a Catholic and attended St. Michael's Catholic Church in Palmer. He enjoyed building model cars, spending time with family and his daughter, fishing with close friends and golfing.

His family wrote that their son and friend was very humorous, full of life and love for his family and his only daughter, who was the shining star in his life. He came into our life with lots of love and memories that will never fade. He loved talking about his fishing trips and other adventures that we all will remember forever. He was ripped away from our lives, but we know we will be together again. That will not help today's pain. We still have his baby girl to remind us of him. He will always be in our memories, hearts and dreams. He was much loved, the family added.

When Tina told me about this news my heart just sank. He was my very first real relationship, we dated about a year where he was my first real kiss, first person I really made out with [got to 2nd base] and while it wasn't until 2 yrs after we broke up that he was the guy I lost my virginity too. We always had such a strong connection even after we broke up. Neither one of us really knows why we did and even after he moved to Palmer to go to school we'd get in touch with one another and end up talking everyday for hours at a time for the next two weeks and then we'd both go our own ways and repeat that process every couple months. He always told me how he never stopped loving me and we'd talk about us. For the past almost 10 yrs I've thought of him often. I always tried to find a way to get a hold of him by phone or email. Once I even found a few phone numbers that I tried to call but it always turned out to be some other Jeremiah Evans.

I don't think anything would have ever come out of it and now that I can no longer make that connection I feel a strange sense of loss. A big loss.

He had a daughter too which is very sad. I remember when that night. I had all ready moved to Washington State to live with my Dad and was back in Anchorage visiting my Mom for Christmas. Now this way way back before the Internet and email [at least to my knowledge], so I never told anyone that I was coming up or would even be there. I went to visit my older brother in the Valley [where we all grew up] and called my best friend Christina to surprise her. She had just moved to Wasilla that last year of middle school and ironically her family moved into the home of another best friend that I had known since early early elementary school. I had snuck out of that house so many times with Sarah that I was able to tell Chris all the ins & outs around it. Anyways, I went to Chris's to stay one night and while we were sitting in her garage stoned and taking a break from her plucking my eyebrows [which was the very first time I had ever had it done], smoking our marlboro reds, she was on the phone with her then boyfriend when the call waiting kicked in. All I heard her say was 'who is this?' then she turned to me and asked if I knew a Jeremiah. I must have screamed so incredibly loud when I found out that he had not only found out [still have no idea how] that I was not only in AK but at Chris's house... He had never met her nor even knew who she was!! Well long story short, we talked and even though he was grounded he promised to sneak out of his house with a friend and meet me at my older brother's for the party he was letting me have [to see all my friends].

That night is so unforgettable not only because it was the first and only time I ever smoked out with my older brother, kicked my friend Sarah's ass until she was near puking and on the floor [with boxing gloves on, no one else would box me except my brother's friend Mario who had all ready knocked my ass around a bit that night and Jeremiah, as cute as he was, got jump kicked into the wall by this asshole when he tried to defend me - I mean this guy literally jumped with both legs in front of him and Jeremiah went flying across the room and into the wall], and I lost my virginity. It was memorable because we stayed up way after everyone had done the 3am Taco Bell run [it was the only 24 hour drive thru in the valley and very new at that], talking in a little room, on the bed in my brother's spare bedroom until I don't know when. We didn't touch or kiss until about 4 hours later. That's when he gazed at me with those beautiful deep green eyes and confessed that he never stopped loving me and wished that we had never let stupid people break us up for no reason. He kissed me so softly. His lips always were so incredibly soft, those thin beautiful lips with the upper lip slightly turned up and a cute scar above the left side where he had been bitten by a dog as a young[er] boy. The entire magically event was so slow and passionate. Even at 14 and 15 [he is older by 7 months+] he made love to me. What surprised me the most is that it wasn't painful like most women have said it can be. I only bled a little because I was actually on to begin with. I was so embarrassed having to tell him this to see if it was ok but he had no problem with it at all.

I never did see it, and I don't recall ever even touching it. We had never gone that far before. The most we had done was make out and he felt me up on the old concrete floor of a apartment building laundry closet [long story] when myself and a girlfriend had snuck out to see our boyfriends. We never did the whole let me see/touch yours and I'll let you see/touch mine thing.

Am I sharing too much?

Well in my naivete I noticed that the very next day [after that night] my period stopped, I know better to have freaked now but back then I knew nothing about the female body and immediately thought I was pregnant. My period being as young as I was had always lasted the 7 days or whatever and yet that was only day 3 or 4. I went back to Washington scared to death yet oddly hopeful that I was pregnant with our 'love child'. I didn't think I would ever really see him again so when I realized that I wasn't pregnant I was kind of disappointed. Now I am thankful that I wasn't since that would have only been me following so closely the footsteps of both my Mom and Grandma being a Mom at 14.

I still will never forget his face as he slowly closed the door the next morning as he was leaving. I had only two days before bought the Mariah Carey album "Music Box" and that song "without you" will forever remind me of that moment perfectly. I must have listened to that song/album a million times and crying, falling asleep to thoughts of that night and him.

So yeah. Enough reminiscing.

I talked to my friend Musicman, the only other guy to have come out and visit me - and only weeks after I moved here might I add, last night. He's such a darlin, I love him so much. He is so much like Suisse in so many ways it's nice to hear his perspective albeit is it a little clouded, he tries his best to give me the most rational and unbiased opinions/advice.

He offered his new place as an option when I fly out. He even offered to pick me up. I don't know right now who is picking me up or where I am staying on what nights/days. I have a list of people who want to hang out but I think I need to actually start making an itinerary so I can keep it all tracked so I don't end up forgetting anyone.

He's such an incredibly magnificent man, musicman is and if I could have any say in who I was head over heels in love with I wouldn't mind it being him. We've had our moments and we have a lot of chemistry in many many ways but I love Suisse. I will never stop loving him. Is it odd that I find it impossible to be attracted to another man? Well not to find other men attractive but to desire another man. Women are a completely different story though. I desire women a lot but I simply cannot be with another man.

One strange thing I've noticed and it can be alittle uncomfortable at times is when I am with musicman and we're doing our karaoke thing... he always sings to me. I mean all the songs he sings directly at me. Most of the words he has said in some form are about or remind him of me. Perhaps it's just my imagination or whatever but it's both flattering and a little displacing. It's odd, I guess we just have a very strong connection musically. Does that makes sense? Never mind.

That's where my head is at. I've been strong these past two weeks. In my moments of weakness I've been lucky enough to have found friends I can call to keep me distracted and making a stupid drunken phone call I know would make life worse for me at this time.

Thank you to all of you whom I've been able to call or have simply called to check in on little old me.