l It's not as bad as I thought. l

| August 23, 2005 || 3:36 p.m. |

As it turns out the pain that my Mom has been having, the reason she can barely move the lower half of her body and the reason that she was unusually hot headed this past weekend is all because the damn doctor is not explain himself clearly. He had told her if she started having any more pain to go back up on her steroids. They've been trying to get her off them completely so they do the step-by-step lower dozes thing. Well she started having pain in her lower half - legs etc and so she did just what the doctor said. She went back up to the higher dose of the steroids. Well apparently he only wanted her to go up one level and not directly back up to the highest dose level she was put on originally and only if she started having head/neck pains! She was having what some people would call roid rage and the increase of steroids in her body actually caused her legs to be nearly paralyzed and in cause more pain. They immediately decreased her doses and hopefully within a couple months she will be back in regular condition.

That whole thing really freaked me out as I mentioned yesterday. It just seemed as if she was deteriorating at a higher speed and I am simply not ready to lose her right now. I ate dinner with her and then headed to my Grandma�s to drop off my pants. She�s being ooh so nice as to hem them for me. I�ll finally have nice x pants that fit me right; it�s a miracle! Well Gram and I ended up talking about my Mom and our worries. I broke down. I haven�t cried or gotten mad about it in a while and in all honesty I try my damnedest to not even think that she might be taken from us so soon.

She mentioned how my little brother had said �I�m sorry Gram if this sounds rude but I always thought I�d bury you and Poppy before my own Mom�. She agreed. She didn�t think it was right for her to have to bury her baby girl. The shittiest thing is I know that I am having kids around 32/33 and I know that marriage, if ever an option, isn�t going to happen any time before that. The likelihood of her even being able to be at my wedding or in the delivery room while I give birth is next to nil. That really cuts deep. * I�m tearing up as I type this *

I�ve never lost anyone close to me in my family. I�ve experienced a lot of loss with friends and even past lovers but not anyone * thank goodness * in my immediate family. I don�t want it to be my Mom; She�s my best friend. * Angel by Sarah McLachlan is playing on Star right now, perfect fucking timing * Why does it have to be her? I don�t know whom I would chose to lose first, I can�t do that, it�s just too much. I would rather it be I than her but then she�d be right there in the same spot my Gram is in. Life is just not fair. It�s extremely difficult to have faith when you experience this in your own life. It�s always different when you see someone else go through it, it never really seems to hit home or feel real because it�s not really effecting you in the least. You feel sympathy but that is only on the surface, if you scratch just enough it rubs off and you�re keep moving on about your day.

I�m leaving a week from Thursday for CA. It�s still not clear as to whom is picking me up yet. I have about 4 friends that are offering. Well actually� let me see: Music man, Mary, Alana, My LBG [who know is more of a HBG since she moved] and Tamar. I have a feeling that it�s going to get a little difficult splitting my time up. Should I just rent a car? So far no one has given me specific days that they want to hang out so how am I going to figure this all out? I should make an itinerary but I am horrible at sticking to those damn things. Lord knows all it takes is one phone call from a you-know-who for all my plans to be out the window. Guess I�ll just have to wait and see.

Tonight�s going to be a lazy one. I am headed to the Key Club for an appt with the gals there. They are going to give me a helping hand in repairing my credit situation. TG!!! My free Ma*I Jim glasses have arrived so I will grab those on my way and I have some ground turkey waiting for me at home to make some� I don�t know I think I will go for a soft taco or whatever thing. I�ll see when I get home; I�m just too tired right now. I kind of got excited about going directly home but thankfully I remembered about my appointment.