l I just might end up an atheist l

| August 26, 2005 || 2:28 p.m. |

I decided on my lunch break to go by Nordy�s to pick up my studi*fix since the one I had that would have lasted a couple more months completely turned to crumbly dust this morning. Well on my way out [after spending over 70bucks] I ran into my lito brother�s gf. Well I thought it would be a nice thing but she had a look on her face that put a nice scare on me. She asked if I had heard or talked to my Mom or brother. Gulp. No. She walked me up to CS to see my brother and on the way proceeded to tell me that my Mom was completely basically paralyzed from the waist down. She can�t move nor feel anything in her legs and feet. I thought it was supposed to get better?!? They also got upset with me once they saw that I had bought make up on my own. I was told to return it immediately and give them the list of my wants. The benes of having family that works in the system is finally paying off. Anyways, I called my Mom immediately after returning my stuff [but I need it now!! =( ]. She was at the hospital with her hubby and her Dad. Hope, Aussie�s Mom, told me the whole lot [her words]. It doesn�t sound good, they have two appointments today and one includes a lot of needles. Apparently none of them have been sleeping at all since Wednesday and my Mom�s arms so completely black and blue. I guess the steroids make her even more sensitive that way. I couldn�t help but start crying. Here I have been working at X these past 2 nights and I didn�t know a damn thing about all this. What a fucking great daughter I am.

Perhaps I should just cancel my flight to CA and spend that week with my Mom. I don�t even know if Suisse will see me and I feel like shit leaving my Mom for so long. I can�t fucking stop crying right now son-of-a-fucking-bitch. Hope said that Aussie wanted my Mom in bed by 830pm tonight so I don�t think he will even let me come over.

I don�t know what to do. Someone please give me the answers. Someone please make everything go away and be all better.