l Losing Lucidity l

| August 29, 2005 || 10:14 a.m. |

My mom is getting worse day after day. I didn�t know exactly how bad until Friday. She has only fleeting moments of clarity now. She has started getting paranoid that her Aussie and his mom are trying to trick her. They had to take away her credit cards because in her lost moments she spends hundreds of dollars online. They [Doctor�s] say it�s the steroids, I can only hope that�s true. She�s completely immobile, irrational and more emotional then I�ve ever seen her before. She�s always been such a strong stubborn woman but times that by ten and factor in her current mental state she�s too difficult for anyone but her own mom to handle. No ones been getting any sleep lately, Aussie is this [] close to losing his job and if that happens they would lose it all: house, cars, their marriage etc. Poor man hasn�t had more then an hours rest in over a month and now he can�t handle my mom�s abuse when she is in that much of a severe mental state.

I now understand how badly the Doctor�s made my mom mess up her steroids. She went from taking .4 mil of her steroids to 17 mil in one day. They said she was luck to have not had a heart attack with that high of a jump. Damn Doctor�s only told her to go up in her dose if her pain came back, they didn�t specify that they meant her head/neck pain or that he wanted her to only go up .5 or whatever rather then up to the highest dose they had her on.

Today my grandparents are looking into getting a caretaker to stay at the house so Aussie can work and get some sort of reprieve. They are also looking into some sort of walker/sitting thing that she cannot only use for taking a shower but there�s a shelf where they can put a bedpan. My mom is now going to start using a fucking bedpan and she�s only 45 yrs young.

I want to be able to do something; I want to be able to help. I cried so many tears this last weekend that I had a headache non-stop. No one calls me to tell me things; no one calls me to ask me for help. I realize that my mom calls her mom begging her to come over. �You said you would be here when I need you and I need you here now�. Why can�t I do anything? Why can�t anyone reach out for my help? I feel useless, I feel alone and I feel isolated.

I cancelled my flight to California. I just can�t leave at this time to go anywhere or see anyone although it hurts so badly that all I wish I could do is run, run away into the safety and security of someone�s arms that I fear I may never again feel wrapped around me so tight. I am losing them both if I haven�t all ready. I need my friends right now. I need someone. I need. I need. I need.

Tarot has been very eye opening. I�ve been doing a daily drawing since last Friday and it�s astounding how accurately those 3 cards have touched the events that transpired that day either before or after I drew them. Speaking of the cards I have decided to change the Wedding Planner to my Tarot learning diary. There�s no need for planning a wedding that is not happening right now. Perhaps someday that will come back but I am not counting my cards until they�re dealt. It�s time for my own emotional self-preservation to kick in and take over my heart.