l As the World turns. l

| August 30, 2005 || 4:24 p.m. |

Things keep looking worse and worse. I received a call from my Grandma about the Doctor appointment my Mom had today and now they are saying or worried that the leg thing is more from the cancer then the steroids but there is no way of knowing for sure at this point. Not at least until she�s been completely weaned off of them and had a chance to get them out of her system completely. That means that most likely the cancer is just speeding up and taking over control of her body at a much faster rate then any of us had hoped. I�m not supposed to tell my Mom this info though. Apparently even the Doctor�s don�t think she is mentally capable of being able to deal with that right now. So we have to act like nothing is wrong. They have her on morphine now to ease all the pain she is in. They arranged to have a live-in caretaker stop by to assess the situation today so they can have around the clock care to help out.

Gawd that seems like it�s just that much closer to her dying. There is really no taking a step backwards from here is there?

I put together my Tarot Learning Center. The one thing I love about have multiple diaries, so many different things I can do with them when things change. I�m going to document all the daily drawings I get, how I interpret them initially and then how they pan out or prove to be either close or not at all close to what my intuition thought. Now I have to admit I hastily just slapped the first few days up there so I will go back and edit them with more text. I just wanted them to show up in the past 5 entries rather then what was there before. Perhaps I could have just removed that portion of the html but that would be too easy for me to do.

I sent an email to a friend of mine, music man; he�s going to come out to visit me again. I really need that right now. I really need to go out and sing. It�s been since the end of April, since my last CA visit and that is far too long. I need that release and that friendship. He�s kind of like my singing soulmate. Does that make sense? We have always had such a strong connection musically and get along so well. I guess we understand one another in many different ways. He�s like my gay bf but not really the gay part so much. Okay that didn�t make sense but it does in my eyes. He�s very ummm a-sexual, but not a-sexual, pansexual? Oh geez I can�t write it right. He�s a great friend period. He�s fabulous, an amazing artist, singer and all around person.

I can�t type anymore. I need to have a fucking life, a life that doesn�t involve working more then one job; sitting at home waiting for my next round of netfl*x or playing on the computer. I started to make friends and now I am at a stand still. I do maintain that my priority is my family and perhaps that is just the way it is going to be for a while, no friends just family. What else am I going to do with my life once my Mom is gone? Will I stay here? Will things with S end up coming about after that? Will I buy a home here in Texas? Will I move to WA and make my life up there near my Father? So many questions and while I am learning the tarot the answers are coming about very slowly. One day at a time. That�s the best I can do.