l morphine melodrama l

| September 10, 2005 || 11:04 p.m. |

I have to write something.

My mom is still hanging on as long as she can fight she continues. After today and last night I almost wish that god/jesus/whatever diety there is would just take her and let her be in peace.

Her morphine has been doubled which is both a blessing and a curse. We had a lot of laughs today and yet many awkward moments of disorientated accusation paranoia. But those moments to hear her laugh, hear her name my children; all 4 of them [two after her], are priceless.

I've come to terms, at least as much as I am able to in regards to her passing. I've told her that it's okay for her to let go, I'll be all right, I'll be strong, strong like I know she knows that I can be. It torn my heart in two when my Grandma told me that it was I that my Mom worried about the most. My depressions, she worries so much because I do make myself depressed very easily. This morning, after 4 hours of drunken sleep, I held onto her hand, gave her ice chips and told her that I would be fine. Her words were - "I know you are strong. I know what you are capable of and that is why I have been so hard on you." I can't go on with more right now it's too difficult.

We had so many laughs, so many random morphine-enduced laughs and then a couple really sad tear jerking moments that she thought she had heard something that no one said, paranoia just oozing into her frail mind. Not the way I want to remember my dear Mom and not the way that I will.

My dear cousin Jayna has been so wonderful through this entire thing. I could not have hand picked a better family then the one I was born into. She's flying down here sometime soon, perhaps this coming Thursday to be here for me. I don't even know how to express in words how much that means to me and how damn badly I need that.

Steve was here from Thursday until this morning, luckily for both of us I received the urgent call to come to the hospice and pick up the Aussie's Mum not much earlier then when we were planning on leaving to drop him at the airport so he didn't have to miss or wait too long for his flight.

It was so comforting to have him just being here with me through all of this. I desperately need someone, almost anyone just to be physically here for me so I don't feel so damn alone. Of course my first wish would be for Suisse but I know that is not anything I can have right now. I don't even try to tell myself otherwise. Now please don't go talking anything bad about him. I know the situation and there is a lot that I haven't and won't write about 'us' here out of respect and my own personal preference. There's been far too much for anyone to understand and really be able to make any judgement or opinion on that stance right now. He's there in his own way and let's leave it at that please. Thank you.

I never mentioned that I went red again did I? My hair is now a light auburn, very julia roberts from what I've been told. It turned out a lot lighter then I anticipated but I actually think I like it enough to keep it for a while before going to that darker brownish auburn I was intentionally going for.

I'll take a pic when I haven't been crying for more then 24 hours so you all can see it. I did it myself of course. Being that I paid for a lot of my friend Mary's plane ticket [she's coming this Friday], got my car fixed and paid my first month of the higher rent although now not receiving the bonus paychecks of those two other part time jobs, I just can't afford to get it professionally done. Hell I can't even afford to replace the bald, bare tires that are in the front of my car. All I can hope for is not to go negative too much before I get paid this coming Friday, be able to get my damn MAC studio fix [the only makeup I actually really wear] and get two new front tires before they blow. I also need an oil change and spark plugs but I've put those off long enough it won't make that much of a fucking difference waiting another two weeks if I need to... which I will cause I also need to pay my car payment, insurance [which is now late] along with my other utilities.

I need to stop writing before I start writing fucked up shit about once my Mom does die and the fucking insurance money I will get that I promised my Mom I'd buy my MINI and a house with.

I need to get a good nights sleep too bad it's almost midnight all read.