l It's just too much right now l

| September 15, 2005 || 12:22 p.m. |

**If anyone's interested, a writer [Tony Hellmann], is donating $1 to the Hurricane Katrina relief fund for every comment left in his journal up until Sunday. It's free for us and an easy way to help out a little.**

Tracy, my Mom's best friend arrived yesterday w/ her friend Linda, the financial sponsor of the trip. My Mom was aware of her presence, apparently she had come to her in her dream the night before telling Tracy to hurry up. It was an emotional reunion for all of us. It's amazing how her moments of clarity not only work but fade in and out so quickly. When Tracy walked in her room my Mom said that she didn't think she would come, as if. They've been best friends since we moved to California and we lived two doors down from one another in HB.

Tracy brought pictures of my Mom back in 97 and I couldn't believe how skinny she was not to mention how long her hair was. I'll have to snap a few photos with my cam phone and post them so you all can see. My Mom is beautiful, extremely beautiful; even now as she lays limp in her hospital gown and completely bald.

I made my enchiladas again last night; we were starving by the time we left the hospice center and found a damn alb*rts*n's that sold alcohol [I live in a dry area]. We drank, drank some more, smoked, smoked some more and got to bed around 3-4am this morning. Let's just say that not only was I feeling a little ill but I am exhausted today. I even got them to watch "Secretary", one of my all-time favorite films although I don't recall us actually watching the end, no wait, we did I just remembered. We had taken so many breaks to sit out on my patio and talked so long there were a couple hours that passed before we put the movie back on.

My cousin is arriving today too, at 630pm I believe. That is going to add to the fun we have tonight. I've all ready decided to not work tomorrow although I haven't yet told anyone here at work.

My best friend just called me. My cousin emailed her to ask if she would or could possibly contribute to do something nice for me and buy tickets for all of us to see the Ranger/Mariner Game Saturday night - the proceeds go to the Susan G Komen Foundation. I guess that email seemed rather rude to both her, her boyfriend, her co-worker etc and she also feels as if I have been extremely mean to her over the past few months. I have yelled at her a couple times; taken my frustrations out on her and I've always ended up crying and mad at myself then apologizing. I don't feel as if I've been so different as she says but if that is what she believes then there must be some grain of truth to it. I simply can't just dismiss what she is saying. That phone call brought me to tears. She's always been my closest friend, the longest friend I've had with whom I'm so closest to. She wanted to cancel her flight. She didn't want to be left out or ignored while my cousin was in town. I wouldn't leave her out ever. I knew it might be a bad idea that trips overlap especially since they don't know one another but then Tracy popped up and she will be here for the next 12 days. How am I supposed to balance all of this? I can't make everyone happy. I don't want people to have to go to hotels, most can't afford it right.

I'm so useless. My damn computer is still broken at home too, not that I would even have time to do anything.

I'm happy to entertain people, it's exactly what I need; feeling useful, making people happy but then again it's so damn complicated. I have to just stop writing none of this is making any sense.