l Please join/support the Race for a Cure, Dallas. l

| September 26, 2005 || 2:18 p.m. |

I started my own Team for the Race for a Cure Dallas. My family would like to ask that in lieu of flowers to donate money to the Susan G. Komen Foundation. You can do so by supporting my Team, which consists only of me at this point.

If you live in the DFW area and would like to join me in either walking/running or even just sleeping for a cure [no wait that sounds odd, you can sleep in the day of the race and still be participating I wasn't meaning sleep with me for a cure].

I have 29 days left of my Gold Membership here and 1 more day after today until I can go on B-leave.

The memorial service is being held at 10am on Friday and since I only received 3 days of B-leave I have to work today and tomorrow. Believe me I do not want to be here. There is only so much that I can do to keep from
A] Crying
B] Punching the next person who tells me sorry and they 'know' what I'm going through because they lost their mom, dad, sister, brother or cat.

Please excuse my sarcasm. It's just frustrating as hell to be sitting here, well yeah just sitting here not being able to focus on getting anything done when I don't even want to focus on getting shit done.

I'm sorry if anyone has called and I either didn't answer or call you back. I really am not the best company right now. I feel horrible because Music Man is out here and if I could have put him back on the plane I would have. I don't know what's wrong with me. There's only one person I really want near me and you all know who that is. I want to ask but I won't. I called and we talked and I swear I heard an "I miss you too". I didn't want to call well don't believe that cause I did and I really wanted to. I needed to hear that voice, the magic that is that voice.

I'm really not wanting anyone right now. Friends, I miss all of you and I do wish you were near. I wish I were back in CA but to be honest I don't see myself moving back any time in the near future. I can't move anywhere for a year even if I didn't have 10 months left on my lease. It's one of those rules after a loved one dies - don't make any major life changing decisions for at least a year.

I don't see myself living here for good though. I don't feel it, it doesn't feel like home at all. Even going out with some new friends, one being that guy I've known [but haven't seen since I was 4], he was the closest thing to feeling like a real friend or not too odd but then again that's cause he is kind of like family in an odd way.

She's couldn't have picked a better day to pass in all honesty. I mean I would have preferred it having been an even numbered day but that's just my own weird quirk. It was a beautifully hot sunny day and we all went to their house afterwards and played with the kids in the pool. We even ordered pizzas and had the first Sunday family dinner in a couple months, well at least a month or more since my Mom's been immobile for at least that long. I know that is what she would have wanted.

Now I need to try to do a little work. I haven't done a damn thing all day work-wise.