l Depressed quicky l

| October 27, 2005 || 4:53 p.m. |

I was told this morning that my job is in danger or I am in danger of losing my job. I didn't go to work yesterday because I just felt like shit. I'm so damn depressed that I can't even begin to crawl out of my little hole. I went to my Dr's got back on Wellb*trin and even got an rx for something to help me sleep. She gave me samples of amb*en cause she didn't have any of lun*esta but she did give me a rx for lun*esta. I'd rather try something fully that is not so addictive but the amb*en did work last night. I have a horrible headache though right now which could very well be from that.

I have to get back on my A game. If my job is in jeopardy then the job I want to get is too. I can't afford to lose out on that opportunity but I think I've lost my ability to "fake it til I make it". This position has got me so burnt out. I am suffocating here and it's driving me mad. I know all it is [aside from my Mom dying and the surgery] my present job that is making it worse.

I can't be my happy perky self when I am this miserable. I'm sorry but I just can't. It feels too forced, too fake and I can't even pretend anymore. I'm so tempted to just toss in the towel.

I need to get out of here, away for a while but there's no way I can do that. Not now because that is why my jobs in danger. Too many absences. I need to go to CA and I need to be in the arms of Suisse. I need to feel that love again. I can't just go out and make out with strangers or flirt. I am a horrible flirt cause I am just not into it. I'm not into anyone. We have holidays coming up and that will be the only time I can get out there for more then one day or a day and a half.

I will need to work that out on a calendar. Mental note: buy a calendar.