l Tell me love isn't true l

| November 10, 2005 || 4:38 p.m. |

I had a ton of stuff I wanted to write early but I got distracted with a 3 card reading for my cousin. Phew. Talk about draining. I guess once I get a little more comfortable with the cards and my own intuition about them then it will come a little easier and not take so much time.

I went to Aussie's last night for pizza and beer. My younger brother and his gf came by too. I am very thankful they did as Aussie has a horrible day and was a mess when I arrived. He had gone out to see my Mom's permenant marker - it's there now & he also got the wedding rings back from the jeweler. He had them all intertwined. There is the 3 stone past, present & future ring [which he said I would get the diamonds to when I got married] and her wedding bands [my neice gets those diamonds - those are bigger], and then his wedding band. I was surprised that he did that. While I understand his reasoning I just thought that he'd want to wear his ring. I guess it's for the best that he did that though because every reminder he has [believe me there are tons], he just breaks down. He's not a small man, not even average and to see him just bawling about how it's not fair and so wrong that she's gone is heart-wrenching.

Her birthday is this Monday, the 14th. She would have been 45 yrs old. This Sunday's family dinner is going to be very difficult. My older brother all ready is wanting to not do the every weekend Sunday dinners anymore because he can't handle Mom not being there.

The drive out to the house seemed especially long. It never seemed to take that long when I'd go visit her, they seemed so close but last night it felt as if I were driving 100 miles. At one point in the evening, while we were all on the patio, Aussie went in and turned on the songs that were played at her memorial. Both myself and my younger brother couldn't help but break. Why was he doing that? Why was he torturing himself? and us? Did he want to not be the only one crying? Misery loves company? We all miss her. I would give anything to have her back with us but there's not a damn thing anyone can do. Not a gd damn thing.