l Is it Happy MLK day or just MLK day? l

| January 16, 2006 || 4:20 p.m. |

I have to admit that being forced to move the closing date back a couple weeks has knocked a significant amount of enthusiasm out of this entire process. I spent my entire weekend being lazy and depressed. I can't seem to get out of my funk long enough to complete anything I want to get done. I did my laundry Friday night but never actually folded or put it away (please don't look in my closet!), then I had all Sunday to do something, anything but didn't get off my couch until I went to my Gramma's for dinner. We didn't have Sunday dinner. My sil didn't want to cook twice (since it was her turn) and my brother's bday is Tuesday night they opted to cancel Sunday and reschedule for then. At least that gives me a couple extra days to figure out what the hell I am going to get him for his big 3-0 bday.

I remember my Mom's big 3-0 party. We were living in a duplex on Wampam Road there in Wasilla. We decorated the entire house w/ Over the Hill 30 stuff only Gramma made the mistake of grabbing OTH 40 napkins. Ummm yeah that didn't go over well w/ my Mom. She was upset enough about turning 30! It's strange how I can remember that day so well - my Mom had 3 kids: one in High School, one in Middle and then Din-din (an old nickname for my younger brother) in elementary school. Now here K is turning 30 and he has a 5 and 2 yr old. Geez, when I turn 30 I doubt I will even be married. Fuck it's only 4 yrs away.

I've noticed the memories come in waves & mostly at night. I just never thought I'd be starting a year without my Mom. Especially right after I move here and not even a year later - less then one year I was here with her.

I know what I want now though. I want it all. Is that too much to ask? I dare say it is not. For once in my adult life I can sit here and with much confidence say that I am ready for a larger committment. I am buying a house & that thought once scared me - the thought of settling down. The thought of marriage once scared me too but now it's more of a dream that I'd like to come true. Most of all I want to start a family. Now not immediately, there is no way that I'd rush into a marriage and immediately get pregnant. I value the time spent as a married couple too much to not enjoy it as long as I can until having to introduce myself to the world, my spouse and newborn child as a Mom. I don't even know what kind of Mom I'll be but I do desperately want to find out.

Okay I had to take a break there as I was getting too teary eyed here at my desk.

I wrote an email to the VP that I would be interviewing w/ for this potential promotion... I say potential because I honestly don't trust anything my boss says so until I get the information verified by someone in that department I am not counting my chickens. Well he wasn't at the office when I wrote it Friday and so far I haven't heard anything back but then again we just had our team mee*ting today and we didn't really start our work day until after 11am. It's been a nice short day - thank gooooodness!! with it being a holiday and no mailing coming in I have abso-frickin-lutely nothing to do...

Game plan right now is this: If I get the interview I will discuss the sit about my closing and see what if any day(s) I can be free to sign and move (if, big if) then if I can take one day off (preferably Friday) then I can have everything re-scheduled to deliver on that day. Well the best idea if it was possible would be: sign on the 31st or 1st and then whatever day is after that either paint or have everything scheduled to move in. I'm still thinking about it but I can't plan on anything until I interview or don't interview.

I seriously, seriously hope that no other set backs arise. I don't want to keep getting my closing date pushed back. I want it here...now...dammit!

I can't think of anything else to write but this is by far the best entry (longest) that I've had in a while (I think).