l Season Finale night - sucks!! l

| May 16, 2006 || 12:40 a.m. |

I'm sitting here watching Grey's Anatomy & the entire two hours are killing me. What the hell is up with these retards? Go Chris and get your ass in that room & show your burke that you love him & be there for him, dammit. The damn dog dies & Mcdreamy sticks w/ that bitch of a wife for what?? Why?!? This is rediculous! Thank goodness for DVR and the fast forward button. I almost can't stand watching TV in real time. It never fails I get disappointed when I automatically push the forward button and then that shit ass feeling that comes when the "LIVE TV" pops up.

I'm almost in a moment where I would prefer Meredith stick with the vet. What's with the cancer shit? Can't the damn shows stop with that right now?

This past week I've been feeling a bit strange. distant. needy. It was even brought to my attention after a night out supporting the Shifters. I had the beerguy there, the clingy guy that I was seeing for two minutes that looks like one of the cute baldwin brothers, well beerguy didn't get there until pretty late & I started hanging with clingy guy - he's started to see one of the Shifter girls, the one that slept or was sleeping with our head ref, well apparently we flirted quite a lot & it was very apparent and flaunted in her face the entire night.

Ooh fuck me... McDreamy. If only I could be the one he was tugging the hair of back & kissing my neck... Damn I need to get laid.

So that brings me back to the present. I didn't even realize that I was or have been pretty quiet & such - well yesterday was Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day since my Mom died. I avoided going to see her site for a while. I slept in a long as I could before having to go to work at ODS. I thought I'd swing by on my way to practice but when Willow called asking for a ride I jumped at the chance to pick her up. I wasn't really going to practice to actually practice. One of the Shifter's dogs just had puppies & she was bringing them to practice so I could take a look at the one I had decided that I wanted from looking at their pictures online.

Well I needed the cuddling puppy time. I got to babysit all 5 of the precious babes for the entire two hours of practice. I fell in love with the most beautiful of the litter. A blue eyed, white with lavendar spots, long haired female chihuahua. I took a couple video clips of the five of them playing that I will try to see if I can post up here so you all can see my beauty. I do need to come up with a name for her. I can't have her for two more weeks so I guess that gives me plenty of time to think of something fitting. Anyone care to make a few suggestions?

I hung out for a while after practice mostly because I needed to go see my Mom, I had to go before it got dark but I was very hesitant. scared. I haven't been since her birthday back in November. I finally went & as expected I sat and cried like a baby.

A short conversation with her later I headed home. Twiggy text messaged me about getting drunk. She just got dumped and so why not just go drink? Well, the baldwin text messaged me as well and so I invited him to come along. I actually told him about all my crying and he seemed genuinely concerned. It was a bit ackward a first but after a few drinks and going to Vino's we were doing shots and getting a bit cozy. Nothing happened but I was in an incredibly vulnerable state and to be honest ever since my Mom got sick I've been very much in need of someone to hold me. Someone to just take care of me and let me cry. I miss that about being in a relationship. I've been pushing everyone away and keeping everyone I can at a nice safe distance away to avoid getting attached. Wow, so I invited him to come and stay with me. His house is a bit away and I really just wanted to be held.

I think I may have tried to get physical but he respectfully said that we shouldn't. I'm glad that he didn't try to take advantage of my emotional state. He really is a great friend & the girl he is kind of seeing on the Shifter's is sweet. I don't want to hurt anyone. I know I can't give anyone anything right now. I could have with Conun but I think I pissed him off for good. I don't know what I said at all but he didn't stay the night the last time he was over. It could have been because he knew I had a roommate sleeping at the end of the hall but I could have been in one of my drunken bitchy, don't hold anything back & be vicious moods. I haven't talked to him since then either.

Ooh and beerguy professed that he was way, way into me & that he doesn't want to get hurt. His friends tell him that I am playing him or whatever. I made it clear that I was into him but not into getting into anything serious. I just can't commit right now. I just can't do it. I refuse to put myself out there right now because I know I am not strong enough to handle being hurt or even the possibility of the hurt happening.

Anyways I don't know what else to write. It's close to two am and I should get some sleep.

Ooh did I mention that the bitch at work got fired? That made for a happy day. Well a little bit of a happy day. I am still so emotionally drained and empty. Of course right now is right when no one bothers to call... when I really need it, a reach out and touch someone moment. What I wouldn't give for someone to just cuddle with me.

Sorry had to have one last needy me moment.