l Wow, has it really been that long since I've updated? l

| March 21, 2007 || 4:54 p.m. |

Oh wow holy guacamole, there has been so much going on it's insanity! Well things turned to shit with Lex and just today I told him I was no longer going to try and I wanted him out of my house. I'm done. Completely. I can't do anymore. I'm so wiped out financially I can't afford shit: internet, my cell phone got disconnected for one day, dish network is turned off... just a few examples. Oh and my power and water have been turned off at least once, power twice. It's absolute bullshit and I can't deal with his codependency any longer as well. I am way too independent and like my space for his childish behavior, it's truly pathetic.

I hate to rant and bitch about him or the situation, I really did let myself get sucked into this and I'm kicking my own ass for it.

My old roommate is not working as a truck driver again and is sending me money this Thursday as well as next week. I am hoping that he'll continue to do so that way I can get more caught up and he does owe me quite a bit of money for paying his way for so long.

Why am I so damn nice and let myself get taken advantage of like this? I should know better dammit. Well at least I do know and will never make that same mistake again. My next bf/gf if I have one anytime in the future will be completely independent, financially as well as socially. I need someone that can take care of themself and be okay with my hectic derby and work schedule without throwing tantrums or getting pissy.

On the flip side, Suisse is looking into flights so he can come down for my first bout which is on the 31st. I'm not looking to get back into it with him but of course he's the one and only that seems to never be able to either stay away or be pryed from my heart stings. There's gotta to be something there that he is finally realizing with all the text messages and such that he's been sending me. For instance, what would you make of a text that said "everything was always better with you"? If everything was and is always better with me, why would he not pack up and move out here to be with me? He said the other night that he's still waiting for me to move back to CA but that is just not going to happen. I own a house here, my home is here yet my heart really is with him there. Damn, I just love to make my life so complicated, now don't I?

I cut all my hair off. It's super cute and really easy for me to do nothing with and still have it look adorable. I want to do more with the color but that will take a bit of time before I can afford to do anything else. My big sis Dawn is the one that cut it, she's in school for hair and it was less then twenty bucks for everything she did since I was her model. Dawn is the other KJ at my bar and she is now also one of our announcers for the DDD. She fucking rocks. She's a stand up comedian, was on Girl*s be*having b*adly for it's first season and ran the longest running burlesque show in the city of fw, that bitch can sing!! I've learned a lot from her vocally and she is just an amazing inspiration. She even talked me into going to her church which while I have only attended once, I do plan on going back again when I'm not either working or sleeping in too late. She's been a big help with everything that's gone on in my life, her and her husband. I really admire her for all that she has done and been through which is why I call her my big sis & I am her little sis. People actually believe it as well since that's how we introduce ourselves to new people.

What else? Shit of course I can't think of anything else to write about now that I'm sitting at my Grandma's actually able to update.

That's pretty much all that's been going on, if I write too much more about Lex I'm afraid no one would want to read it. It's just been way too much drama and I can't even stand to think about it let alone type it out.

Sorry it's been so damn long folks. I'll do my best to get my laptop card working again just as soon as I get the extra cash to pay for it. It's not much to do so but it's sad that even the little bills can't get paid right now. Hell my registration on my car is expired and I can't afford to get the catalyct converter fixed so it will pass inspection. That's going to be one of the first things I have to get done.

Much love to all of my patient readers, the few that are still here waiting for me to update. I am so sorry that it's been this long but there's not much I can do about it at this time. xoxox