l A Blow out. l

| April 30, 2008 || 1:39 a.m. |

It's been a lil bit longer then a day or two since I've updated but I've been incredibly busy - having fun too but incredibly busy. Coolhand & I almost broke up last night. It was all too dramatic & emotionally exhausting but I'm glad that it's over. Not us, we're not over. No, not by no means. I cried a lot & I think he was almost crying himself as he asked me to stop looking at him. It looked like he was going to cry & then he locked himself in his room for a while. He finally passed out & I stayed up for another two hours talking with his sister. She really helped out, she'd text me when I was outside & tell me not to leave. I finally wanted to go to bed & she thought I should sleep on the couch but I really just wanted to crawl into bed with him. I'm really glad I did. As soon as I crawled in, I put my hand on his back & he reached for me. He eventually turned towards me and wrapped himself around me & that is how I fell asleep. The way I always love to fall asleep. In his arms.

We're so much a like it was kind of a bad thing last night. He was being stubborn and so was I. He'd say something about how I didn't care about him and I'd finally agree and say yeah, sure I don't. I'd grab my stuff and he'd let me leave. I wanted him to come after me but he wouldn't. He did keep saying that he would never do anything to risk losing me. That's what he was saying right before he asked me to stop looking at him.

He's scared of loving me, he's afraid of being hurt again. I understand and I don't think he realizes that I feel the exact same way. He then admitted to having checked my phone the night before while I was passed out. Sound familiar? Remember how I used to do the same thing w/ Suisse?

Shit. I'm stoned. I need to go to bed & I'm starting to feel a bit strange writing all of this w/ Coolhand snoring on my shoulder. I need to get him & myself to bed. I'll write more another day.