l Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse. l

| October 17, 2008 || 1:03 a.m. |

Too much has happpened, too much that I am not really prepared to go into a ton of detail about but the gist of it is.

Coolhand broke up with me two weeks ago this Saturday/Sunday more. His reasons is he needs to start over and get back to his square one. He wants to improve himself and get his life in order or back on track and he has to do this alone. He wants his space/apt back and he wants to be single. We've talked quite a bit about things since I am still living with him until I can get the electricity turned back on in my own house so I can move back home. Everyone seems to think that once he has his apt back and whatever that he will come back to me. This is kind of what happened last year around this time only then he freaked out and stopped talking to me for about a month because he cared about me too much too soon.

Let's start with this. I went to see a psychic on venice beach while I was in California for my friends wedding. She told me that I am stubborn & need to really start listening to people and letting what they tell me absorb into my psyche. My love energy is being blocked, the man I am with loves me but I am still holding onto something or someone in the past... Ummmm.. sound familiar? She also advised me that this relationship (current) would be one that would require patience and letting things progress naturally, not to push or rush things. She said that we should not be living together and when she asked if we were and I said yes, she became a bit upset and said that she wouldn't advise it at this time, it was still too soon. Well, fuck, now I know better!! She had a lot more to say, all of which was positive so I will remain to try to keep my chin up and hope that Coolhand will come back to me and things will work out.

Right now we are both financially in bad spots and I haven't been able to help him out at all because of all the drama that had happened with my house and it's former tenants. I should have been helping him but I just have not been in the position to do so. For this I truly do feel horrible. I hate losing my best friend and my partner.

Even though it's not a 6 yr relationship like my dear miss sexyatheist, I do understand what she is going though. This was my first real relationship since Suisse and I really had begun to believe it would be my last.

Oh and on that *clinging to a past relationship* thing, I cut all ties to Suisse. I deleted his email, phone numbers everything and when he said he was too busy to do lunch (when he had been the one to suggest it), I text messaged him that I didn't think that it was healthy for us to be involved in one another's life the way that we have been anymore and that this was really goodbye. I never did get a response from him. I really didn't expect one. I know better after all these years.

Now here I am living with an exboyfriend, a day away from my derby awards ceremony and three days away from my 29th birthday and I am in the worst position I've faced in years. I feel lost and alone again. I can't stand going home when he won't be there, knowing that he probably will go out and stay out til 4am or later that is if he's not closing or even if he does he still might go out with his regulars, coworkers or friends. There's not a whole lot you can do after the bars close and I hate to think of the possibilies. My mind kills me sometimes. I think way too much and imagine always the worst of scenarios.

So I'm looking for another job, a part time job and trying my best to make more money so I can afford my own house on my own but there is no way I can do that staying where I'm at. The economy sucks and I have no clue where exactly to start looking. I'm tempted to just start selling myself on some street corner or something but I've gained too much weight to feel comfortable with my own body to flaunt it.

I've got goals, now I just need to implement them and follow through. I know I can do this. I just have to do it.