l Guess who's back? Back again? l

| February 18, 2009 || 11:40 p.m. |

Okay it's been a while yet again. Of course everything has changed, some for the better & some for worse. That's just the way it goes in life, right? For instance, Right now I'm sitting in a bar with perhaps ten people including myself & the bartender. I'm actually working, if you can call it that. I Dj karaoke now 5 nights a week & 3 of those nights usually include me sitting at the bar with my laptop on autoplay, no singers and me drinking (most of the time for free) while socializing with my latest friends (from that bar, the regs). I'm living back in my own house &... so is Coolhand. He lost his job at the beginning of Decemeber & his entire personality changed almost overnight. Suddenly I was receiving text messages saying how he never stopped but was falling in love with me all over again, he doesn't think anyone could or would love him the way or as much as I do, doesn't want to be with anyone else but me etc. I told him matter of factly (now numerous times) that I didn't want to be his default. The safety net so to speak. Just because I am there for him when he's vulnerable & didn't shut him out or whatever. I did the exact opposite of what he did to me when I was in financial straits. I took him in, I took care of him. In fact he was losing his apt so I let him move in with me so he could find a decent job & get back on his feet, not so we could be back together. I made it clear that we were not back together, that I wanted him to get his life back in order & then if he was still feeling the same way about how much he needs me, loves me etc then we'd talk. So much for that really. He lives everyday telling everyone I'm his girlfriend, how much he loves me daily. He even has gotten quite needy, clingy & jealous when I talk to anyone. I've had to remind him quite a few times but he just doesn't seem to ever actually "hear" what I'm saying. Perhaps the fact that I did let him move into my room rather then make him take up residence in the only habitable carpeted bedroom in the house. I can't help it, I love having him sleeping next to me. I'm a chick. I have needs but we don't have sex. We've tried once or twice but I guess his mental status of being so vulnerable & demasculated has hit him in places other then his wallet. It doesn't bother me really. I've started talking to other people but the one that I've really fallen for I haven't been able to see in almost two weeks. He's older, about close to ten years & has kids...ummm teenager girls, one which is almost legal, well technically legal for tx but not old enough to vote in the US. I'm still working as a retail manager mostly fulltime & still very much involved & skating with the DDD. I don't find much time for myself or sleep even but I am paying the bills & have been able to get caught up for the most part. Well where it counts the most that is.

Whatelse? Geez, now that I'm actually typing I can't seem to find whatelse to talk about. I'm a little perplexed. Bored as hell yet having difficulties trying to figure out what to type. It's been forever so I could write about so much but... nothing comes to mind.

I'm quitting smoking, slowly but as it always goes with my medication it takes a few weeks. I've cut down a lot. I don't go thru a pack a day, actually a pack every couple days which is very good considering I'm in the bars 5 or more nights a week again. My drinking has cut back as well. I don't drink much while I'm working at my wed, fri & sat gig, mostly cuz they make me pay but even at my sun & mon gig where I can drink anything for free I usually don't start drinking until pretty late & even then I don't go overboard as I used to. As far as my Grandparents are concerned I am not drinking at all but I really doubt they believe that. I certainly don't drink in front of them at family dinners anymore. That's a big no-no. I really want to find a job where I don't have to do karaoke for extra money just to make my bills but the job market out here in tx sucks ass right now. I didn't think I'd see that day ever because when I moved here jobs were abundant but now... it's difficult for anyone to find a job with all the qualified people looking. I'm constantly reminded that I should be thankful for having one if not two jobs right now. I guess I am lucky but it doesn't feel like I am. My job performance even at karaoke (which I used to LOVE doing) has gone down hill but that I will blame on the fact that 3 nights a week I usually don't ever have to do anything & I've gotten used to being paid for doing nothing. I much rather like it when it's busy & I don't have time to do a bunch of internet searching or catching up to do. This Friday for instance my s&m group comes in, I'm dressing up especially sexy for them as they love the shit out of me & I should make (on top of my normal pay) around $60 bucks in tips (crossing my fingers). Tonight I'm lucky to have had one singer & he left me the only dollar bill in my tip jar plus he bought me a beer. Again this is the place that charges me like a regular customer so my glass is empty & I don't think I'll be ordering a pitcher just to drink cheaper. After I finish this update I'll probably resign myself to the bar & finish the book I just started today & can't seem to put down (twi*light, love it!). I've been trying to read more these days in the little free time I have & am not sleeping so I can stay away from the tv. Okay, I think it's about that time. I don't type as much as I used to so my hands are a bit sore, also from having to manually type everything ticket from work the other day cause our registers were down all day long. Yeah I got stuck there for ten hours (two hours over our normal closing) with no smoke or lunch break til a part was driven up from Austin (4 hour drive) & then had to wait for the tech to arrive (right before closing) to take apart the entire register & install the new hardware. We sold a lot of shit that day & my poor middle fingers hurts from writing each piece of merch down on tickets then having to type in each item line for line & each credit card number, exp date, zip code etc for every single sale. Luckily for the new 2 day old part timer I am very fast with a ten key so it didn't take more too long but we still didn't get out of there til close to 10:30pm. Oy. Vey. I'm done for the night. I'll be here with internet access both Friday & Saturday so if I'm not too incredibly busy I'll do my best to update again. Miss you all!! Tracey, it's been so great keeping in touch with you as much as we have lately!! I heart my Tracey!!