l Life is too short or do I have the rest of my life? l

| November 22, 2011 || 4:58 p.m. |

Ugh, why do I always want to write when I am at work? I can never seem to force myself to get online to just update. Instead I sit on that damned Fb and play stupid games that are just clicking a mouse and take no more skill than manual dexterity.

Anyways, my fianc�, who will be named TxMan, asked me today if he might read this and I politely said no. How many times have I given this URL out to people I was dating only to have everything thrown back into my face due to misinterpretation? Countless. Thankfully he understands my need for privacy and insight that only you readers can give me.

My biggest dilemma that I am facing right now is whether or not to move back to Texas after the beginning of the 2012. Mind you that we are getting married on October 6th, 2012 and we had already decided that I was to move back prior to the wedding but once I am completely ready to do so.

Now my full-time job that I started back at the end of May, our hours got cut back from an every other Friday off (4 day work week every other week), to only 3 days a week for only 24 hours of work to get paid for. Now with my rent and utilities that I have at my Seattle apt are more than what I would be making so it would make more financial sense to cut my losses here and move back after only being up here a year. Not that my trip hasn�t been successful but moving back and in with TxMan after the beginning of the year, I wouldn�t have rent to pay and would be able to survive on both of our incomes with me getting only a part-time job providing I couldn�t find full-time employment. But what would I do with all of my time now that I�d be living an hour South of my friends and family considering that my TxMan is finishing up his degree meaning he�s at work 5 days a week with 3 of those nights he is in school until 10pm or later?

I am anxious to start a family but I don�t want to walk down the aisle with a baby bump so that is out. I could go back to skating again, which I do plan on doing at some point, but to do that I should find a full-time job first so I wouldn�t have to lean on TxMan for any money. I want to be able to pull my own weight in that department.

A couple of his friends are starting their own company and want me to run their business (AP/AR/Dispatch etc) once it gets up and running. They are offering me a nice chunk o�change to do so but the likelihood of that coming to fruition before the summer is next to nil.

A part of me is ready to move back and get started living the �family life� but there is still a small part of me that is really enjoying my �me� time; having my own space, my own schedule and no other demands other than my work and whatever I want to do with my life. I love him; I love him more than anything and anyone I�ve ever loved romantically. I do not doubt my future with him at all but I now feel like there is so much pressure coming from him to just move back.

I have to admit he is a lot more �Milwaukee� than �Suisse� which can be bothersome but he is so much more of a man than Milwaukee ever was. They both would bend over backwards and they are both emotionally more sensitive and needy than I am but TxMan is not one to go off and pout at the back door, rather than that though he will get mad and throw attitude when it would really behoove him not too. I guess that is just part of him being a Taurus; stubborn.

I did get a taste of how great �couple-life� will be on my last visit in October. I have to admit that it really excited me and I do look forward to joining the ranks of my friends that have already started their family and doing the family stuff with them. But it is so wrong for me to not want to jump into it so quickly? It�s not like I can back out later. Once I move, I�m moved and into the role of both House-Frau and Step-Mom. I understand the financial aspect and it does make sense but I just can�t get over my reservations and TxMan does not seeming to understand.

I absolutely adore Seattle, my cousin and I have become really close over the last decade or so and I really do enjoy spending all day/night hanging out with her and her brood (max 5 kids on any given weekend), even if I�m just sitting on the floor helping her fold the mountain of laundry or just hanging out and gabbing. I�m really gonna miss that. I don�t have family down there that I can do that with. My other brother, his wife and kids are nearby but they are so super busy with their own lives that it�s a miracle if I can meet up with them at my nephews ballgame or something for merely a few hours, not to mention that they are in the process of looking at moving up here!

My youngest brother had his first child, Dominic Michael and I know they aren�t going to be moving any time in the near future so I suppose I can spend time with his girlfriend and my lil D while he�s working but I just want to have ALL of my family in ONE place!! I miss having family dinners with everyone sitting around the table cracking jokes, reminiscing about fond and some funny but not so fond memories and moments.

I guess this just a part of growing up and beginning my own family. *shrugs*

I want play dates, girls� night, family night, couples nights but I have my whole life ahead of me still. Or as some would say, life is too short so I should start now and not wait?

Do you see my dilemma?

Help?! Oh and I found a new template but it might change as I am still rusty with my html. I need to re-do and find all my links to get this page looking normal.

Thank you for your patience and I promise I will start updating more regularly.

Xoxo, Neangel