l Good bye to you l

| Saturday, Aug. 24, 2002 || 2:44 p.m. |

Okay when reality bites it sure does not let go. Walking into my empty apartment was a nightmare come true... At least I had my poor cat Torin to comfort me in my misery.

Damn that milwaukee! He left behind subtle lil things around the apartment to tear at my heart strings some more.

My Angel Cards were the first thing I noticed. I had only flipped on meditation card over since moving in with him and it appropriately read "Love", so usual I left it flipped and placed my opal heart pendant over it. Well, I noticed that another card was flipped and it read "Freedom"... Huh. Then on my post card bored, the lesbian nude card was over turned so the back was shown. The Happy card on the fridge that says "Make someone Happy" was turned around as well. Then I found a chinese fortune cookie fortune on the entertainment center, we had never eaten chinese food in our apartment. The fortune said something to the effect of "Overlook not your own opportunity" or something like that. He did a really good job of taking everything that his money could of possibly paid for including food and the torn shower curtain lining, which he wanted to throw away anyways because the cats had ripped it quite a bit.

So what did I do last night?

Well after crying and accepting my bitter lonliness, I bought Torin some food, went to a bar, got a drink then went home and smoked a bowl. I haven't smoked weed in a long time... Why did I do it? Because I had it and I could! I even smoked in the apartment! Ha! Wouldn't he just love to know that! Sleeping on the floor wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Ooh the bar was hilarious. I was hilarious... I had no idea how to even just stand there! I analyzed my entire posture, movement and action! I started twiddling my fingers and thought oh no! I look stupid! I tried keeping them at my sides and I looked like a dork; putting my hands on my hips made me look like a snotty bitch; hands on my back - pregnant stance; arms bent - limp wristed gay boy! I could not win! So I compromised and bought a smirnoff ice with a shoot of Chambord - which only cost $4 and lit a cigarette. I have to say I will miss being able to smoke and drink at the same time!

As I was smoking and drinking I started to analyze my facial expressions. I was not in a particular mood so I had a plain blank kinda emotionless look - I looked bored and probably really unapproachable, then I thought of just smiling but then I thought I'd look retarded smiling at no one and everyone. I just could not win, so after my drink was gone and cig extinguished I went back home and proceeded to create a poverty pipe, which I haven't used since being a freshman in high school(you know the kind from using a soda can), and lit my bowl with matches! How ghetto am I?

Well, mission accomplished! I got wasted on one drink and two hits from the pipe! What a light weight I have become!

Today my mission is to put up more flyers so I can sell most of my shit, buy moving boxes and packing tape, then start packing until tonight where I will find me a karaoke bar to go to. At least then I will be content singing, at least I know how to that right.

It looks as if I will not be able to do a lot of stuff until monday when banks are open, my two week job is open and all that fun stuff is back open. I don't have much time, yet too much time on my hands if you know what I mean! I have no idea what to do with myself... Gawd I feel so isolated and alone right now.

I should probably get myself busy or something. I'll be back monday to update. The Ghetto library is closed on sundays...