l Another day another dollar another war l

| Tuesday, Aug. 27, 2002 || 3:49 p.m. |

Today's horoscope

Change is never easy. In some ways, loss of the unknown hurts more than giving up something familiar. When a whisper of new air freshens stale atmosphere, everyone who breathes is grateful.

We had a break through again last night. I am not saying that everything is coming up roses or anything, but we have crossed another new boundary.

Going out on a whim, I called Milwaukee to invite him over for chinese and vanilla sky (a movie he loves and i have not yet seen). Respectfully he declined yet offered a raincheck for tomorrow night due to other plans he had made. Accepting that as a sign of some sort I agreed. It must have only been a lil over two hours that he called me all ready on his way home for the evening. Surprisingly enough while we were talking I heard a buzz from someone downstairs... He was outside asking to come up.

Immediately my body started to quiver nervously. it took almost two full minutes of us looking at each other in the door way for me to ask if he wanted to come in. Another two minutes of silence and staring at the floor to embrace. We held each other for twenty minutes yet somehow that was not long enough. We remained our contact for the entire 4 hours he was there. I could not bare to see him leave. We could not stop kissing, hugging and holding each other. I have missed him so much it hurts. I know what I was doing was torturous but necessary. We have come along way since lst week. He knows now that our child was indeed his and I was never unfaithful. He told me how he ran 4 miles to the bookstore and then walked across the street to see me sitting in the window. I never knew he was there but somehow I felt his presence unconsciously. I guess I was sitting there then stood up and looked out the window. I don't remember doing so yet I am surprized that I did not see him.

We agreed that tonight would be that last communication that we have for sometime. We are planning on dinner and vanilla sky. I don't know if I will be able to see him walk out that door again. It was hard enough last night as it is. Every step he made closer I turned away with renewed tears spilling down my face. As soon as I locked the door the flood gates burst and I collapsed to the floor sobbing.

He said he had fucked up, he fucked up by moving out and the damage was now irreversible. I acknowledged this and added that I had fucked up as well. We are both equally to blame.

I started looking at apartment possibilities today. I am not sure how I should do this. If I should do this. I have never experienced independent life. It is next to impossible to live alone and survive in california. I know that if I got my job back at Cellular world that I could not only pay rent with less than one weeks work, but be able to afford to pay off my debts and gain the independence I need. Rent is cheaper, cost of living is cheaper and I know I would have no problem making friends. I never have. But what would be best for me? If I go to california and live with my mom I don't have to worry about rent, can go to school full time and get a part time job to cover my car and cell phone bills. I have always wanted to finish beauty school... if I did that then I would have that to fall back on whenever no matter what... It is just so hard to make this decision and all the advise I have received is so biased. For the most part any ways.

Of course this is all pending on if I can stay at my job... I already told them that I was not going to be able to stay yet have not filled out the termination paperwork... I want to find an apartment that I love and then see if it is a possibility. Does that make sense?

I am not doing this with the intent of getting back with Milwaukee. We have discussed this and we both know that if I stay he will not be around for quite sometime if at all...

Well, ghetto library time is up for today...

I will return again tommorrow... Please let me know what you all think....