l Blowing out my birthday candles l

| Sunday, Oct. 20, 2002 || I have not yet gone to bed, so I |

I had a wonderful weekend thanks to my good friends. I will not mention whom they are because that really does not matter. We ventured to Santa Barbara to spend a magnificent evening with Jennifer Terran , an amazing artist if you have never heard me speak of her before... We, thankfully, had a room not to far from there where we could slumber... spent today shopping with my buddy, the romantic. Ooh how does he spoil me! I try to not let him buy me things, but it is my b~day and he has the cash to burn so I did not stop him. More or less could not stop him. But what ever... the point is I had the most wonderful birthday. A dear friend whom I have not seen since months before I moved to Wisconsin called out of the blue, not even knowing it was my day. We invited her to disneyland after we had spent the day shopping, eating and drinking along the pacific coast highway. He paid for both of us the entire way, so sweet. And no for all of you out there thinking that we are anything more than friends you are sadly mistaken. I am so not his type and he is entirely not mine. He tends to date playboy models or strippers, I am no where near that league... Anyhoo, we had a blast, only was it around 8:30 and in line for the Haunted Mansion that I realized that Milwaukee was not going to call me. That is when I started the down hill slide of depression. I managed to maintain my then facade until after Romantic left and I was driving ms.daisy home did I retell my tale of whoa did I begin to cry. I cried hard until I arrived back in my local area, then to perk up the night, my feeble attempt to make it bright, my car veered towards Cheers. At least I made some solace drinking a free beer and shot of tequila. That is where this night ends. My family all called me minus my brothers, yet not one call from my love. I had really hoped that I would, I thought that he might not be able to resist such a day to communicate even if for just one moment but I was wrong. I know now that I must not call on his yet I will send the cd's I made and possibly even a card, but no call... it is not welcomed I presume. My love is not welcomed anymore.

I am still sleeping in his shirt... will that be enough to get me by until he comes around again? Or will he ever be able to love me and be with me ever again?

I hope, I pray, I wished for that on my birthday candles...