l Cheers to another night of friends. l

| Thursday, Jan. 30, 2003 || 1:22 a.m. |

Here I am at my computer, I just got home from Cheers not too long ago... To think I left when there were actually many attractive mens... Ahh what am I becoming but more of a self-conscience, low self-esteem lil woman. I am beautiful damn it! Why can I not believe this? I know that in the mirror all I see is an over weight, blemished thing, yet many compliment my skin & tell me how beautiful I am... why can't I just listen for once? I recall a few weeks ago posting picture of my at my brother's wedding... at that point in time I thought just the same... fat & ugly yet looking back at the picture I was thin & very attractive... why can we only see this beauty in hind sight?

I am feeling lonely, in dire need of affection & loving attention. There is only soo much applause can do for one's ego especially when the majority of it comes from long time tone-deaf friends who think that they can actually sing on key. Please don't get me wrong I love & admire their passion for music & singing but after watching Simon on AI I just wish I could hear what his response would be hearing most of these folks sing... I regret now not having the courage to go to the open audition of this seasons American Idol. I saw what past onto the audience voting rounds & I could have been one of them! Honesty! I am not just being egotistical here or tooting my own horn but most of those fools don't have nothing on me... Why was I too self-conscience of my weight? I was only 130 something at the time of the auditions & look at those black women on there! I mean damn they can definitely sing & give me a run for the money but them girls are HUGE!

I was thinking a lot tonight about Dreplica, I thought of calling her around 10:45 but then thought better of it since it was getting late. I will try my best to rememeber tomorrow. I really miss the smell of her hair & the smoothness of her precious lips & skin. What is it that draws me to her so? I wish I could directly pin point it, she is femme yet not too overly femme. She is gruff, rough & delicate all in the same time... Fragile yet flexible, definitely perplexing to my gentle mind.

I have so much I need to consider right now, where I want to be in 6 months is an excellent place to start. I began searching for p/t employment so I can earn some extra money to pay off some of my debts... If I decide to stay here in this apt then I will really need to either have a live-in significant other or a great p/t job to help me pay the rent... If I choose to move to Texas then I need to start looking for job opportunities there... So much on my precious lil mind... I think I will rest it now for fear I may lose it entirely at this point in time...