l Does misery always need company? l

| Wednesday, Dec. 11, 2002 || 10:12 a.m. |

Okay I have a theory, or I am not even sure if I can call it that. More or less something that my feeble lil brain has been pondering all morning as I sit here with no voice, a stuffed up nose, tea, water & piles of tedious paperwork.

Nearly a week ago, while I was talking with Mush Mush about why men feel the need to buy hookers, a seed was planted. The seed that spurs this next wonderment. Mush Mush and his roommates told me that guys buy sex just because it is sometimes too hard to get laid otherwise. It is easier for them to do that then to work at getting a girl into bed� huh

So my question is now� if it is so hard for a guy to get a girl into bed, then why do they cheat when they finally have the woman they �love�?

I am feeling like crap in a can exploding� I made the mistake of reading Milwaukee�s profile and was disappointed in the fact that he has updated it. I laughed at first cause he is just too cute but then I read �A Little About Me: Now I am truly happy. Well, working on it, anyway.� What? Does this mean that he has found someone else? Is someone else making him truly happy? Not only am I sick but also I am depressed and crying� I haven�t heard if he has received the check yet. Webmaster is trying to convince me that maybe with the excess money he will fly out to see me, or it will bring him back to me. I can only hope. I doubt that he will ever talk to me again. I need him so much, I love him so much, and I can�t foresee living the rest of my life without him there in my life. He is and always will be my one and only. I really hate knowing that he cannot talk to me or will not. I am over the fact that I don�t know exactly where he lives, but I cannot handle this lack of communication. I always find myself thinking about him, wondering about his well-being. I know he must think only the worst of my by now. Not paying him in a timely manner. While everyone I speak with thinks I owe him nothing, I know better. I know how it feels to put all of your finances on the line for love and get smacked in the face. I have had that happen to me and I cannot bear to do that to someone whom I love so deeply & purely. I still wonder if he thinks of me as much as I do him.

It is funny because I was just last week talking to Mush Mush about all of this. He is completely in love with a girl that lives in Europe. He felt the same way I do about Milwaukee, from the moment he saw her he knew there was just something about her� He was expressing his thoughts of �I wonder if she still wears the ring I gave her�. I showed him my ring and told him, I sleep in his superhero tee every night and cannot bear to take this off even in the shower (meaning the ring).

Now my mom has found love again & apparently this Aussie is going to ask for her hand in marriage by Christmas. Good for her, but it does nothing but make me depressed.

What I would give to talk to him but once, to taste his lips upon my mouth, his hands upon my breast. As much as I am uncomfortable with my body right now, I never felt any thing less than beautiful when he looked at me. I felt like a goddess in his eyes. I don�t know how I could have ever let myself fuck everything up. I did nothing but kill that light in his eyes, the love that was always, always shining upon my face. To watch him stop in his tracks when he�d catch me changing or in the shower was just precious. He was like a child catching a glimpse of heaven. I was his heaven, his principessa, his angel, his dream. I fucked all of that up. How will I ever forgive myself to that?