l Long shot in the dark l

| Tuesday, Feb. 11, 2003 || 1:34 p.m. |

Sometimes others can say exactly what you wish you could find the words to express. I am perpetually finding myself envious of how others express themselves. I know I am capable of doing this (just read the beginnings of this diary), so when I come across a d~land pal that says what is in my soul I feel compelled to share. This woman is amazing, her words, world, art, and life, loves� If you only do one thing today (other than read here) you must check out her work� just beautiful�* sign *

I can sing but a voice if not recorded lasts only so long. A picture, paintings can live forever.

I took a leap of faith last night� well not so much a leap of faith but something like it. Whilst pursuing online for part-time employment I came across something in Dallas � an Administrative Assistant Position at the World Headquarters of Dave & Buster�s. Hmmm sounded like good pay, benes so why not apply online? It couldn�t hurt me to at least put myself out there and see if I was offered the position. Okay so maybe the pictures my mom sent me of her house �in progress� kicked my arse a little. I want that! I want to be in a place where I am financially secure to have my own house built if I wanted. I want to be able to pay off all the collectors that are after me. I paid one off this last paycheck (the most recent of the arseholes), thus leaving me broke until Friday. I know Texas is not the place I ever imagined myself ending up, but I am only 23! I don�t have to end up anywhere for quite sometime! Look at me here in California ~ If any of you ever knew me way back in Alaska I swore that I would never live live in Cali. As far as I was concerned (being so wrapped up in Nostradamus, Edgar Casey) it [CA] was going to be lying at the bottom of the ocean by now�

Every move I have ever made in my life has changed my attitude & life for the better. AK � WA ~ I became a lot less violent (no more fighting), and well smoked a lot of weed but at least I got it out of my system & never ended up moving on the �other� drugs my friends later did�

WA � CA ~ I quit smoking (for a least nearly two years), lost the �weed� weight, became an honor roll student, cheerleader & sang in a touring jazz band.

CA � WI ~ If you could even call this a �real move� is beyond me. I like to think of it now as more of a bad vacation� but nonetheless I learned a lot about myself.

Now having been back to CA I can honestly say I love my freedom, it�s a lil bit lonely but I am not afraid of anymore. As much as I swore I would never live in California I also thought I would commit suicide if left by myself� not going to happen! I can sleep away the week, clean when ever I want to, eat ice cream while watching porn anytime of the day or night (although that does get a lil sticky), and best of all there is no one nagging about this or that�

Ahh the life of a single woman bouncing around an obscure bisexual realm of reality.

Let me clarify one thing� I am not living in confusion. I know exactly what I want in a relationship.

Just not Who...