l I'm ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire the yearning to be near you I do what I have to do l

| Friday, Nov. 08, 2002 || 12:13 p.m. |

*You're uncomfortably dependent on a situation that may not happen soon. Learning the hard way is still a kind of education. Fortune wants you to be sure that this will never happen again. *

What the FUCK is this?!? Sometimes I wonder if I should really put so much stock into astrology. I think I do too much as it is. Picky lil bitch that I am I only want to read what will pacify my illusion of reality.

I cried last night, I stressed, I confessed and I cried. I love my family; my mom and I are such close friends it can be considered queer at times. But I know better than to discuss the current consequences of my past financial naivety. Being the Scorpio that she is she does not listen to what I say, but what she wants to hear. Pushes advice unto my lap that isn't possible and makes me feel two inches tall in the process. Nothing I do ever makes her happy, except when she is bragging to her friends about my singing does she seem proud. I know that that is not entirely true; I just wish that she could share my enthusiasm for once, entertain the notion that I could very well have stumbled upon a once in a lifetime opportunity that could change and improved my life forever. Do I not deserve such a thing? Haven�t I suffered enough these past 6 months? I lost the love of my life, our child and myself for a while. So much emotional distress, heartache and pain � not only excruciating physical torment but emotional as well. Who�s to say which truly scars the most?

Ooh frustration sets in always in the least opportune times. The more I get myself riled up about the future, the present and it�s how�s, who�s, what�s and why�s� the more I find unhappiness in my present environment. I hate it when I do that. Never fails, I stumble across something so wonderful, so delicious, so much a dream come true that I, although once content, discover reasons to rationalize my discontent in my present situation.

Speaking with my mp last night about the prospects that lay ahead, made me see what so many turn away from. He told me that most people when giving an opportunity of a lifetime, something so good it must be too good to be true; often make that very mistake of believing that it must not be true without ever seeing for themselves due to advice given by their peers or elders. What harm could come from delving deeper and discovering the real truths, the real potential? I am not doing anything rash, I have not quit my job, and I have not done anything to put myself in an awkward position or compromise myself in any way. I am simply investigating a path that may or may not give me the keys to open my gates to heaven.

One must travel through the depths of hell to find their way to heaven. I believe I have done so and I am just continuing with my journey towards my pearly gates.