l To dream the impossible dream... to fight the unbeatable foe... l

| Friday, Sept. 13, 2002 || 11:23 p.m. |

**just to let y'all know I was wasted with that last entry... so forgive me, I have since corrected my spelling errors.**

I got sick last night. I drank so much that I had to get sick just to go to bed. I missed my appointment this morning at P.P but was able to be in Chatsworth 15 minutes early. For all who you know me that is pretty remarkable. I am famous for being at least 15 minutes late no matter what.

I have not missed california traffic. It took me nearly 2.5 hours to drive 60-70 miles - One way! I spent an hour at corp meeting the president, v.p etc for my orientation then back on the freeway for another 2.5 hours back to my office. I really feel welcome with this company. Normally they do not give employees shirts, jackets or hats until they have been with the company for over 30 days, but they gave me three polo tees, a ball cap and a winter jacket... funny but california has no winter... It's odd how I got this amazing job so shortly after being home. It is a better opportunity than cellular world and I am really excited about it.

Is this supposed to be the way it is? Am I meant to be out here? This is so far the best job opportunity I have had ever. If all goes as I hope and I bust my ass then this will turn out to be the highest paid job I have ever had!

However I find myself completely lethargic and depressed. I am constantly thinking about Milwaukee. Is he thinking about me? Does he really miss me? Or is he thinking about when to go to his neighbor's next? She has already replaced me in some capacities; Jazz in the Park, reviewing his resume... what will be next? I know in my heart of hearts that what he said is true, he would never date his neighbor... but I am scared to death of the possibilities. I have always been a jealous bitter bitch when I do not get my way. I don't want to put him through the suffering I put the originalgem through. In many ways I am still jealous of backwoodsbetty. She is getting a part of what I never had, for reasons I have no clue why. But I have come to realize that she truely makes the gem happy and that is all I ever wanted to see. I was never jealous of her because I wanted the gem back, oh hell no! I was jealous cause I endured so much pain and hurt when I never thought I deserved it. I did not deserve it but it happened. I am glad to see that the gem has matured and can finally be truthful and faithful. I should really change bwbetty's name... She is a doll... There it is her new name is bettydoll. The original gem with her bettydoll. I am blessed to have been able to learn as much as I did in that horrible experience. Thank you Gem for teaching me how to forgive and always leave things positively. I grew stronger within myself for having to surpass such suffering and pain. No matter how much we hurt each other while we were together we have always been there for each other when we are in pain apart. You have been the only TRUE friend I have ever really known, you have always been a TRUE friend - unbiased, nonjudgmental, and never been afraid to call me on my shit in a non confrontational, unoffensive way. I wish I could have been the same to you before, and I hope that I have made up for that now...

Well, what else? Did I tell you that my friend MarriedG had his baby the morning of september 11th? At 4 am his lil baby boy was birthed. What a miracle! I ran into him last night at Cheers and they had finally picked a name. When neighborgirl and I went to his party last weekend I nearly burst into tears on many occasions. Once when he showed me the nursery and then again when I saw this beautiful baby girl that was barely 2 weeks old. I think that our child was a girl. I know I will never know but I have such an overwhelming sense that it was a girl. Last time when I was pregnant back in March of 99 I felt the exact same thing but of a boy. Huh? To think I would have a baby boy turning 3 around the same time I am turning 23 and then a girl being born 6 months later... what a thought. 3 years is a good in between time too. An older brother to protect his precious younger sister...

I think I am going to drive myself insane... I can't move from the couch, I refuse to unpack anything... I want to hate milwaukee for not being able to talk to me, but I love him so immensely I can not. I need him so badly, why? Because I love him more than any of you could ever fathom, more than any of you will experience in a life time. Since leaving Wisconsin I have slept everynight in his superhero shirt and I have yet to wash it... twisted I know but I can not help it. It is the only think I have of his that I can cuddle in and pretend is him keeping me warm and safe. I can not take off his ring either. I am going to end up in a white fitted jacket surrounded by white padded walls if I keep this up.

He felt as if I was keeping tabs on him... I never asked more than he asked me. I worry and wonder but so did he. Why is it I thought it was fine to continue talking and making plans for our future and he thought it only made things worse? Funny, to me it made it easier to wake up every morning and sleep at night. I like to live in a dream state I s'pose. I like to think positively and have faith, believe that if we try we can see how perfect and right we are for each other. How we can see the error of our previous ways. What is so wrong with trying a long distance relationship? Absence makes the heart grow fonder right? I would be fun to plan retreats and weekend getaways. Everything is possible, things will get better. I will carry my own weight and you'll see. Stop being so damn analytical and worrying about what you're "never" going to be able to do or is "impossible" to do because with that mentality you will make it harder for yourself. Our debt, my debt will be paid off within the year, not by the end of 2002 but before this time next year... I will make that my goal. One of my goals anyhow...

Good night my love, where ever you are... I am dreaming of you and I.

**Dream a little dream of me**