l Do my benefits cover vision? I could really use an eye exam! l

| Monday, Sept. 16, 2002 || 12:21 a.m. |

Okay so the only way I could be social was over the phone today... I still have not showered and am feeling really funky fresh! I have managed to get a lil bit of moving stuff done, but not much. Mostly just moving things into the closets and out of sight...

I spoke with OriginalGem tonight for quite some time... She is driving down tomorrow to get some more dental work done and get her car fixed. So we made plans to get together after I am off work and have a drink. I haven't seen her in a long time... Well since milwaukee and I went to Universal Studios, but I mean we haven't spent any real time together... Just being us - ya know? We might met in WeHo at the Abby but then again we also talked about just getting some liquor and heading to the beach to talk. I miss our talks, we used to stay up until way after the sun had risen just talking. We can't do that tomorrow but still it will be fun.

I keep having the urge to call him. I miss milwaukee immensely. I want to share with him everything good thing that happens or just every random thought that crosses my mind.

My brother and his wife are pregnant again. They are expecting in May. That lil email really got to me... I was expecting towards the end of March. How perfect would that have been? Both our kids being the same age and all...

I can't stop thinking about it. I wonder if I could be pregnant again? I still have not really stopped bleeding since the operation. Now it is just a lil bit everyday, but it is still there. What on earth would we do then? More like what would I say to my mom and family? "Ooh yeah, I had sex with my ex again with no protection and after I had just been scrapped clean of the first one." They would be oh so proud. I don't care though... I almost want to be pregnant again. I need him, I want him to be the father of my children, I love him, I miss him so much I cry myself to sleep everynight thinking of him. They say misery loves company... We could keep each other company, I would not mind that at all... But then I would not be miserable now would I?

I am making a cd for him, but I do not know where to send it. I have postcards and letters I long to write, but I know that he does not want them. It would just make things more difficult for him. I hate myself for making him miserable and unhappy. I hate myself for not letting him in when he really needed me to. I did need him when I was there. I know that he felt as if I did not need him for anything. That is not true... I was scare of letting him know I needed him. I was scared and had too much pride to let him in. We were in it together and yet I left him out in the cold. I pushed with out realizing I was pushing. When all I really needed and wanted was to run crying into his arms and have him tell me that "everything is going to be all right". I was hoping he could read my mind. I know now that I was wrong, stupid, and selfish.

Geez, I hate hind sight.