l Ooh Happy day... ooh Happy day!! l

| Wednesday, Jan. 16, 2002 || 1:58 p.m. |

I did it...I picked up my chair (papasan) and talked to Isaac! Unfortunately, I did not say all the things I wanted to say... You know how as soon as you leave a situation you remember all the things you really wanted to say or smart ass comments you should have made? Well, that was me, of course! If it wasn't bad enough, I ended up turning around once to give him the damn gloves I have been carrying around since the Real World/Road Rules audition.

THEN, I forgot that I had wanted to ask him to let me know when the San Francisco pictures were developed so I could pick up my copies... Ooh, how stupid did I sound? I was trying to be all suave and slick with my "you-lost-the-best-thing-that-ever-has-happened-to-you" attitude and then I end up calling him 5 minutes after the 2nd time leaving and having told him the first time "take care - have a nice life".

Geez, and to top it all off I was secretly hoping he would ask me to stay and hang out with him, ya know to talk things over; try to get me back...

I am so weak...well not really... He DID repeatedly tell me that he hasn't been seeing anyone else...however that does NOT dismiss the fact that he hasn't called me in over a month! I hadn't heard word one from him until I called 2 days ago.

I guess I did the right thing by just blowing him off. But am I bad for secretly wanting to F*** his brains out one last time? He was a great lover... I mean we were GREAT together, I think that was the best thing about "us" (Yet, even that came to a halt towards the end...).

What happened? Did I get boring? Did the sex get boring? (I don't see how in hell it could have) Did I push too much? I mean...geez... Is he just a 22 yr. old ass? Is he just emotionally shallow? Not ready for a real commitment? Incapable of a commitment? Incapable of being monogamous? Honest?

"ms.always-forget-I-have-the-best-bf-in-the-world" thinks that I need to call him one last time to really achieve "closure". I don't know, she is the only one that says that, so I am very skeptical. So far everyone else thinks I did just the right thing and to leave it at that. I didn't really get the closure I wanted... OR am I just trying to create excuses to possibly get back together with him (ideally have him beg to be with me again). Some one? Any one? suggestions? help?

How about my obsession with "bunches"? He hasn't called me lately, yet asks "ms.one-after-another" about me every time he speaks with her? I have a sneaking suspicion that "ms.country-bumpkin" has tuned into my or our attraction for one another and is keeping him from hanging out or talking to me... Or I could just be completely conceited in thinking I have any affect on her or their relationship at all. Okay that is enough for today...

**Do you believe there is a part of yourself, deep inside in your mind, with things you don't want other people to see? ...when I'm inside, I get to see those things.**